I realised today as I struggled through the city centre and into Marks and Spencer’s to do some food shopping that Christmas is a bit fake.
Now before you think I am about to launch into a ‘bah humbug’ situation hear me out ok?
My reasoning for this opinion is quite easy, in the shops there was absolutely no seasonal cheer, people were almost punching pensioners to get the last batch of honey glazed parsnips (like roasting fresh ones with a dash of honey was so fucking difficult?).
The second point I want to make is that there were so many goods on sale that helped the public ‘Create the ambience of Christmas’.
Now here’s the rub, has anyone reading this EVER walked into a home in the last thirty years and been greeted by the smell of roasting chestnuts, fresh pine cones, aromatic spices mixed with the tangy fragrance of mistletoe, home baked mincemeat pies or logs crackling on an open fire?
I think the answer is NO…well not me anyhow.
All my Christmases from at least aged four that I recall had the smell of debt ridden parents trying to smoke them selves to death over the stench of cheap beer and burnt chicken. In the background were four unruly kids snapping each other with elastic bands to see who could get the last tangerine whilst a mangy dog ripped the last piece of foil from a greasy roasting tin as he licked the hardened chicken fat.
Yet in Marks and Spencer’s you can buy a room ‘fragrance’ of ‘Spicy Holly and Fresh Christmas Berries’ …why? I have never smelt that in my life?
It means nothing to me and reminds me of the cheap air fresheners that permeate every fancy hotel elevator that I have had the unfortunate occasion to sniff and choke on.
Yet we are told that we aren’t really taking part unless we peel apples and soak them in mulled wine and offer the hot fruity drinks to our friendly neighbours who come round in hand knitted jumpers and cheery rosy cheeks!
My neighbours are mostly Muslim and have pissed off to Oman for the Holidays and some have even gone to Palestine; one or two of the other people in the street spat racist comments and called them heathens as they packed up a huge car with kids and boxes as they flew out of Glasgow. How ironic, as my neighbours were actually going to the place Christ was apparently born! I bet there is no smell of pine cones there, but the smell of fighting and gunfire will always be associated with Christmas to the wee kids that live in that city.
Merry Christmas one and all.

Hello Dear Bloggers here is a genuine correspondence between me and some dude calling himself Doctor Steven Igho, it’s a Nigerian scam letter but I got bored and answered it, here is the replies. My writing is in RED and bold.If yopu cant see the red and bold go to www.janeygodley.co.uk and click on latest blog and you will see it there under Nigerian Scam

-----Original Message-----
From: Steven Igho [mailto:stevenigho@egyptdentists.com]
Sent: 20 December 2005 22:17
To: pairdentistry@suwaneedental.com
Subject: Kindly assist.

From: Dr. Steven Igho. I too am a docktor

Dear Friend, Yes we are friends…

My Compliment to you, yes tell me more I lick it when you talk sexy, I fink we are destined to be together, do you like fire?

I guess this letter may come to you as a surprise since I had no previous correspondence with you. No not at all, I always get letters from unusually familiar Nigerian folks bring it on big guy

I am sending you this mail on behalf of the tender board of Independent National Electoral Commission (INEC) Chairman, MR. ABEL D.GUOBADIA. Really? What a fucking surprise? Wow I must be really important that you wrote me! We came across your contact in our search for a reliable person me reliable? I have been in prison for possessing guns…you really don’t know me do you? person to handle a very confidential transaction involving the transfer of Eighteen Million, Five Hundred and Seventy Thousand United States Dollars (US$18.570m). Wow you have that kind of money and you need my help? Get over here sexy! Can we marry? How can I help?

The above fund is not connected with arms, drugs or money laundering, My money is…fuck I love selling crack and arms…well we call them limbs here in Scotland it is the product of an over invoiced contract awarded in 2003 by INEC Sure whatever…carry on tell me more I am so interested to a foreign company for the construction of high rise estate in the federal capital territory. This is odd, as this has happened to FOURTEEN other people who have emailed me from Nigeria…how odd is that?

The contract has long been executed and payment of the actual contract amount has been paid to the foreign contractor. Yes I believe that…I also know that the IRA talk to me through my toaster and there is a hedgehog called Tammy who used to be Neil Armstrong, he lives on my roof The balance of the actual contract, which my colleague and I now want to transfer out of Nigeria into a reliable foreign account for our personal use. Yes use me…I will look after your money…send me your account details now dusky boy

As civil servants we are not allowed to run foreign accounts. Really??... What a cunt? Hence we have chosen you to front and support us as the beneficiary to be paid. Whoopee?? Me???If you are interested in the proposal kindly get back to me by sending me your letter of acceptance along with your direct telephone and fax numbers. For your support and partnership, please reply me to negotiate your fees or the percentage you wish to be paid when the funds are transferred into your bank account. Can I get paid in biscuits?

Further details about this transaction will be discussed in the subsequent correspondence. Note also that the particular nature of your business is irrelevant to this transaction and all local contacts and arrangements are in place for a smooth and successful conclusion of this transaction. Yes I understand coz I am special

Be informed that we are aware of the way email proposals of this type are being sent from this part of africa. Regarding this email, you should treat this proposal with utmost attentionas knowing fully well that you cannot and will not be compelled to assist us if you are not disposed to. I am treating it as a proposal, I want to marry you, I marry lots of men from Nigeria, but they all died now and am so lonely…they died by fire…all of them.

I will be in United Kingdom on official assignment probably in a week time, Lets meet up; I have one eye and piss myself a lot. You may contact me on this Fax: +44-709-287-3843 or via this email account steven_igho1@yahoo.co.uk, forward me with your contact telephone and fax numbers on response, I will call you for a discussion.

Thank you as I await your response. My name is Mangofandango, I live in a seashell and like to lick small penguins, please be my friend?
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: Steven Igho [mailto:steven_igho1@yahoo.co.uk]
Sent: 22 December 2005 06:56
To: Janey Godley
Subject: Re: . Fake letters from Nigeria...I answered it...my way

YOU'RE VERY FUNNY I LIKE IT...................GOOD
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Janey Godley wrote:
I am glad you liked it Dr Steven, I don’t like it and posted it to my entire address book and read it out on stage and have mentioned it in the media. What kind of doctor are you? One of female circumcision or one of small cattle prodding perhaps?
Now from all of that you must know that we know its all shit, you are not even Nigerian…Russian perhaps?? We thought that from the investigations we did.
Stop sending me your pleady shit; I have a life to lead and so must you. Go bother someone else.
Janey

________________________________________
From: Steven Igho [mailto:steven_igho1@yahoo.co.uk]
Sent: 22 December 2005 15:17
To: Janey Godley
Subject: RE: . Fake letters from Nigeria...I answered it...my way

DONT EVER WRITE ME AGAIN, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?

Janey Godley wrote:
Dr. Steven Igho.
I think you will find YOU wrote to me skanky boy…not the other way round…you established this relationship, your scam has been spread all over the media…MY FAULT??? I don’t think so, be very careful who you send spam scam to mate…be careful what you wish for. THAT IS MY PROBLEM…whats wrong? You have no sense of Humour Dr Steven? You were hoping I was a mental patient and would send you my bank details? Go fuck yourself and try to find someone else to annoy.
I like biscuits and am posting this on my blog sites that gets around 7000 hits a day and is syndicated to 60 sites. Bite my ass!

So far there has been no answer my blogger friends, but I urge you all to ignore these letters if you get them as the people may be dangerous and nuts enough to come look for you, but let’s be honest here, how many banks in Nigeria are with holding important people’s cash? NONE! Have fun! Janey

Yes… I am back. The gig went fantastic at Cochrane Theatre, nice people turned up, people who had read my book, blog or newspaper articles. I had decided on a surprise start to the show, I came on dancing to Madonna’s latest single, except I am old and nearly broke a hip bone trying to impersonate a 48 year old woman…get that? Go figure? Madonna does three hours exercise a day and lives on a macrobiotic diet, I lose my breath climbing stairs and live on Pot Noodles and chocolate, that’s why it didn’t work well, but people laughed and that’s my point.
The whole show was taped on mini disc so I may learn top podcast and let you all hear it soon.
I was so happy to see people there who have come to see me before, except I cant believe these people come and see me often, trust me if you can imagine what my following would be like, its not a lovely Middle Class, Middle England family with three kids who are all lovely and well fed and mild mannered YET that is who comes to see me…I know because there is a nice family who come to see me in Edinburgh, Soho Theatre and Cochrane Theatre! I know they are reading this so THANKS but fucksake WHY? Don’t stop coming to see me…I just can’t figure out why…but I am so grateful. You are nice people; maybe you like to hear me swearing????
I was on stage last night at Glasgow Jongleurs, the crowd was heaving and they love a good Christmas party in Glasgow.
Tonight is back onstage at Jongleurs…sorry I am blogging way too late but do keep coming back, I promise no more swearing…but I will always fight authority!

I am up and ready for my big show tonight at Cochrane Theatre, I am worried a bit as I don’t ever seem to have a format for my show and it’s a big two hour show! I have had period pains and horrid stomach problems but I am good to go.
Last night was good fun, I went to the 606 jazz club in Chelsea and the music was amazing! The old guy from the Average White Band was on stage and afterwards he came over for a quick chat, turns out he is from Glasgow and he asked me “Where are you from?”

“The Calton in Glasgow” I replied.
“The Calton? Tongs Ya Bass!” he laughed.

Now that made me laugh out loud, as Tongs Ya Bass, is the gang war cry from the Calton, my part of the East end of Glasgow! It was really funny to hear this older man say it out loud in Chelsea! Especially after he had been playing the most sensuous slow jazz!

My life is good, I got to hear great music again and last week of course I heard Courtney Pine and Roachford play in a studio at BBC…I am so lucky.
I am a bit stressed today and complained to husband for breathing loudly…that’s not a good sign this early in the day.
We leave tomorrow at 10am as I have a show in Glasgow tomorrow night, I cannot even begin to worry about packing, and that usually stresses me no end, but I will manage, I am so relieved that the people at Crown Lawn gave me this apartment, I owe them so much I may have to donate my eggs to them. Thanks all you people at Crown Lawn for the amazing stay; I am in your debt. Normally I have to stay in shitty smelly hotels, but a marble palace with an indoor swimming pool? I am a princess! The Christmas tree downstairs in the reception hall is beautiful and cheered me up every time I walked into this building.
I will try to write more tonight after the show and we can see how it all went, if it was shit I will tell you all trust me…the truth is always here with Godley.

Today has been good fun so far. I had a great gig last night at Edcomedy up in Foresthill. Lovely wee room and run by good people, the only problem is I had the start of my legendary ‘only in London’ migraine that lasted all night and most of today. Today was good publicity wise, I got a great mention in the Guardian Guide as the pick of the month comedy for my show at Cochrane Theatre on Tuesday night and today on Open Book Radio 4 my autobiography ‘Handstands in the Dark’ was mentioned on the list of ‘Best books of the Year’, then tonight on Channel 4 I was on ‘The 100 Greatest Christmas Moments’…so all in all it was good!

All that stuff is good. The weird thing is when I saw my fat face on TV I recall thinking at the time that my hair was nice but wow it looked fucking horrible! Why is that? It’s the same when you look back on old photo’s from the 1980’s, I thought I was terribly sexy but now I see a strange woman in a tight red dress with packed footballers shoulders, wearing a sharp red pillbox hat teetering about in black stiletto’s…what was I thinking? Joan Collins of Glasgow?

I went to see my husband’s lovely old aunty Nellie today; she is 93 years old and lives near London though she is 100% Glaswegian. It was so very funny, she has reached an age where being diplomatic means zilch, that combined with a history of ‘Who gives a fuck what I think’ mixed with a small does of forgetfulness and the results are near legendary.
When she saw me her first words were “Your fat, do you know that you are fat and by fuck you’re old as well”.
I laughed loudly at this as she meant it and I loved her sharpness, I had mates calling me to say that they had just heard my book being praised on the radio and in the background aunty Nelly was shouting (she is deaf) “You would think you would stop eating and maybe run a comb through that messy hair”…my mates were pissing themselves laughing, so if at any point all this publicity goes to my head aunty Nellie will be there to remind me of my life time of failure in the weight and hair department! Classic!

Tomorrow I am up early to get everything ready for Tuesdays show, I need to sit down and work out what I am doing as it’s a two hour one woman show, to be honest I kinda wing it most of the way, but I need to prepare some stuff I suppose.

I also want you people to know that I do get your comments, but as my blog is syndicated to nearly 40 different blog sites, it isn’t easy to collect your comments as I have blogsites that don’t have ‘comments alerts’ on them and so I have to actively go through every site that I belong to and search for your comments to reply to them. So please don’t think I am ignoring you. If you ever want to contact me you can email me at janey@janeygodley.co.uk
Have a good night all!