Was up visiting my sister Ann on Boxing day, my sister has four kids and four grand kids (the famous Abi from previous Blogs is the youngest grand daughter), my sister had a full house of kids including Abi who was screaming “The Robert frightens me” as she pointed at her brother Shaun’s’ remote controlled ‘robot’. There were teenagers arguing over MP3 players, dogs barking, people trying to watch TV too loud and a knock at the door which I answered.
There on my sister’s door step stood a lanky geeky looking dude with a big smile and a Santa scarf.

“Hello I am Russian student” he smiled and for some obscure reason clicked his heels in a Nazi type ‘spring time for Hitler dance way’.

I looked at him and said “Really? Where in Russia?”

His eyes got bigger he smiled more and stuttered “Erm Russia”

“Where in Russia?” I asked again. At that moment Abi decided to squeeze her wee blonde ringlet fat head through my thighs, between my legs and stare at him, it must have looked like I had just popped a curly headed small Gene Wilder from my crotch.

“I am selling these pictures” he ignored the small Willy Wonka type girl and carried on regardless.

In his hand was a shiny, metallic kitsch illustration of Jesus, he held it up for full effect.

“That’s Jebus” Abi giggled as I shoved her back through my legs and pushed her into the small hall that led directly into the living room where every one now was watching me and the strange Russian picture seller.

“No thanks we have pictures of Jesus” I told him….he tried quickly to come back and flashed a new shiny picture of a unicorn.

“I also have fantasy” he smiled.

“Jesus is fantasy, we have enough of both here thanks, listen mate we are stocked up on crazy in here go sell that shit else where” I laughed and shut the door.

My sister gasped and giggled “Janey that was rude”

“He wasn’t a Russian, selling fucking strange shiny foil pictures, that’s shit” I spat.
“That’s shit” Abi repeated. Then I gasped and sat for a whole hour telling her Aunty Janey says bad words that must never be repeated.

“Is mental patient a bad word?” her big brown eyes looked at me over my sister’s kitchen table, her wee innocent pouting mouth smiling at me.
“No, but Aunty Janey was wrong for teaching you that and you must stop calling everyone it as its not nice” I explained…I forgot I told her that ages ago and she remembered it clearly.
“But that man at the door with shiny pictures is actually a mental patient!” I giggled.
I know I was wrong, but he was nuts.
Well tomorrow is New Years Eve, or later on today actually as this is now after 1am! I am on stage tonight at Jongleurs, hope it all goes well.

Have fun all Janey.

I had a good day today, went out for lunch with my old school pals Janette and Jean. It’s always nice to catch up with them both.
We went for lunch and walked around town and by the time we left the restaurant the snow had started to come down heavily and the town looks awesome with the twinkling lights and drifting snow flakes.
I love the snow, although I know it does kill people…well mostly old people and bad drivers, I still think it makes the city look clean and nice.
Tonight I sat at the window watching for my husband to come back from the supermarket (I hate shopping, I eat it but hate doing the hunter gatherer thing with the credit card…it bores me) anyway out in the car park people were playing snowball fights and making snow men, so I decided to get on my wellies and go join them. Ashley was screaming “Mum please get off those old velvet leggings and those wellies, you like the nutty old woman who smells of piss and cats and scares the kids”

I merely smiled and ran down the stairs….can you believe my daughter thinks there is a certain clothing etiquette for snow ball fights? How strange!
I sat beside the snow man and was unsure if he needed a snow man penis and snow balls, then husband arrived in the car and asked me why I was sitting beside a snowman.

I smiled at him and said “He loves me and I melt his heart”

“Please help me with the shopping, I have chicken” was his romantic answer.

So there we have it, there are some pictures of this I will post or go to

http://uk.photos.yahoo.com/janeygodley/

Check them out!

Thank God we all ‘survived’ Christmas…I was sick of reading articles in magazines shouting’ How to Survive Christmas’ as if it was some ordeal, well in some countries it is, but that’s not really what the article was aiming at. It was writing some crud on how to prepare a mammoth eating feast, how to buy a glittery black dress, how to set a table and yadda yadda other stuff about other shit.

We bought ‘ready to eat food’ and some cold drinks and sat, ate dinner and watched TV in between working on stage and my daughter doing DJ work (she is working as a DJ whilst studying, she reckons pressing a button every three minutes is infinitely easier than serving cooked greasy chips at £4 an hour).
I had a fun morning, AGAIN a radio show BBC Radio 5 live called me early to see if I would take part in a call in show about ‘Scot’s who live abroad and Scot’s who wont leave Scotland’.
I said ‘yes’ then fell back asleep, then an hour later the call came and I was groggy and talked for ages on stuff I wasn’t sure about until the host of the show asked me live on air ‘Janey sell me Scotland in ten seconds’.

I took a deep breath, tried to clear my dreamy head (that incidentally was still having sex with Cachi from happy Days) and said really loudly
‘We have water, good food, we don’t deep fry mars bars, we have lovely scenery, we love people and we like to chat and we have water’
When I had finished I could hear my husband laughing in the other room, he was listening live to the show on the radio.

The host said ‘We have water? Janey we have water in England as well’
My brain kicked in and I realised I just said the shit about water and I then I explained ‘We have clean good water’ and then he said goodbye live on air.

I switched off the phone and fell back asleep and went onto to dream about a crazy jaggy nailed cat that was stuck fast to the back of my thighs and no amount of pulling could get it off my flesh, then I had was kissing Boutros Boutros Galle as we both tried to remove the blood sucking evil flesh scratching cat. That’s my life, all pussy and no fun.

My daughter went out last night, she doesn’t often go drinking ( that always worries me as I have an issue with booze, but must never make her paranoid about it, even though I never had problems with alcohol, I come from people who did and still do).

Anyway, she was up Curlers bar and was out partying with some guys. In the background was my face on just about every poster she could see, Curlers do comedy and she was surrounded by me from every angle. She told me that as a guy was being dirty mouthed and chatty with her…over his shoulder was my face staring at her from the comedy advertising! How cool?

I love that and am now going to insist she can only go drinking where I am the poster girl in the background.

I was looking after baby Abi last night, she stayed over and is only two years old but her rendition of Kaiser Chiefs ‘I Predict a Riot’ whilst she played with my nativity set was tear jerkingly funny.
She told me that the Blackman in the nativity set was scaring the wee ‘lady in Blue’ (Jesus’ mammy), she then made the blonde man who carries a sheep on his shoulder (who is this guy? What Blonde Swedish porn star made it to Jerusalem?) Kiss baby Jesus, who Abi declared was a girl. ‘Ith a baby girl, yeth it is” she lisped as she made Holy Mary lie beside the black man and then tried to prise the small gifts out of the hands of the King.

I laughed till my eyes hurt, her Pee Wee Herman version of the Nativity was hysterical and all set to the tunes of Kaiser Chiefs…who needs more than that? Fucking gig of the century in my eyes. We went round to the Bistro to see some mates and Dante was there, it was good to see him as he has been on tour with his rock band El Presidente, he laughed out loud at Abi singing Greenday and Kaiser Chiefs as well and declared the baby one of the best lead rock singers under three and we cheered and Abi took a bow! How professional of her…hang on she was getting too much attention and to be honest that’s my job.

Unfortunately she had to go home as her mummy wants her back, to be honest she made me laugh so much I wanted to keep her.

Today I am just getting Christmas presents put away and the house organised.

So its Christmas Eve, I am lying in bed at 5pm for a wee pre festive nap, my bed head is directly beneath my window and in my light slumber I can hear…tap tap tap tap…what the hell is going on? Who is hammering in the back car park on fucking Christmas Eve?

So I finally get up and drag my knees onto my pillows, pull open the curtain and look into the circular car park at the back of my house. I am four floors up and have a great panoramic view of the whole grounds.

There between parked cars is one tall guy clapping his hands and stamping his feet and five other well built dark haired guys dancing some Spanish Flamenco type moves, with twirls and short cracking heel movements.

I thought to myself ‘What the fuck?’ and called on my daughter to come see in case I was having a pre menopausal flush hallucination or something.
She leaned onto my bed lifted up the curtains and gaped at the dancing men below.

I mean this is Glasgow…we expect glue sniffers and junkies not the fucking Jets and the Sharks to be having a dance off beside my blue Renault. You always see dance movies where people burst into dance moves and skip round cars…but you don’t expect it to actually happen…only in my life guys!

So I opened my window and shouted down to them “Well done”.

They all stopped looked up at my face from four floors away and smiled “Come down” they shouted.

“I can’t its cold” I laughed and shook my head.

Immediately they all started to take off their coats to offer me warmth (how cute!).

“No, ok I will come down” I shut the window and pulled off my pyjama top and put on bra (I didn’t want to scare them) and some warm clothes.

When I got down into the car park and they saw me close up they put their jackets back on (I kid you not, from a distance I look ok, close up Rapunzel turned into repulsive!).

They told me they were Spanish dancer (that figured) they are rehearsing for a show in Paris next week and cannot rehearse in a flat as the noise makes other Glaswegians want to stab them, so the best place is the car park!
I stood and watched and took some pictures, here is a link to them

http://www.flickr.com/photos/janeygodley/

So today I awoke to 27 text messages wishing me a Merry Christmas, I was so tired and so not ready to eat turkey or do any that stuff. I am not a good cook but I have to tell you all, I managed to make a full on traditional turkey dinner complete with warm cranberry sauce, apricot stuffed turkey, honey roasted parsnips and wild berry panacotta….Marks and Spencer’s really do good ready to heat meals.
Have fun all…am off to watch young hot Spaniards dance in the fog beside my car.