Cannot believe I was in Nottingham and Glasgow and London all within two days! The flight was amazingly quick after the last debacle when BA had us sit on the flight in December for three hours before it actually took off.
I am back in the luxury of Westminster, I so love this flat, the only problem is my husband is not here. So I got in had a sleep and got up to get ready for the Aristocrats Movie DVD launch tonight.
Now don’t be confused by the lovely Disney cat cartoon, this is an amazing documentary covering a whole bunch of the most famous comics in the world telling the dirtiest joke ever! You must see this…its just fucking funny as fuck.
So now I am home and you can tell my husband is not here, there is nothing to eat and nothing to drink, coz I didn’t bother going to the shops earlier and Westminster does not have late night shops, they have servants. My servant is in Glasgow.
Talk tomorrow.

The gig went great last night, I am so glad I finally got over that wee moment that scared me. The club was heaving and the crowd were amazing. That made me happy.

The apartment we stayed in was lovely; except the bedroom was quite small and when the curtains were shut the place was in complete utter darkness. Now I like that except when I came in from the loo at 4am, and I fingered my way back round the bed, stepping precariously over my shoes and luggage on the floor and then threw myself onto the bed – I cracked my head right off the convex wooden fancy headboard.

I thought I had broken my fucking neck, husband woke up as I screamed “What did you do?” he asked me, as If I normally make that kind of noise in the middle of the night for fun!
“I couldn’t work out how long the bed was and then I managed to batter my head off the headboard” I squealed.
“Stop it will you? I am trying to sleep Janey” He muttered.
What did he think I was doing? Beating out a drum tune with my skull?
I cannot believe he said that, this from a man who farted so loudly it made a screaming noise that reverberated off the thin tight walls that I thought a seagull was being battered to death by wooden spoon…the noise was awful and it woke me up!

All this from a man whose penis wakes up at 5am and decides to make a play for my sleeping body, despite being told for the past 25 years not to..

As he gets aroused in the middle of the night, his brain must shout to his penis- “Don’t, don’t wake her, she gets mad when you wake her, trust me I remember this shit….don’t do it, she gets all shouty and sometimes grabby, you are on your own dude…don’t wake her if you know what’s good for you”

Meanwhile his penis shouts to the brain- “I am telling you she loves me waking her up, she loves nothing more than me nudging her awake”

His brain answers-“NO…she turns into a fucking wolverine….I am the brain I remember this stuff…don’t fucking wake her up for sex, I swear it will end in tears”

Then his penis does wake me, I turn…sit up, and shout into my husbands face “What have I fucking told you about trying to wake me at 5am? I am going to stamp on your cock!” Then I go back to sleep.

The brain whispers “Told you, see… you got us into this and tomorrow she will fucking stomping about the flat in a bad mood and not make dinner and be snappy all day coz you don’t ever listen”

Penis answers-“I am sorry, I thought she would like it…she used to like that”

Brain-“Yes…when she was nineteen years old, fucksake man she is nearly 45, when are you going to learn?”

He probably won’t ever learn until I actually stamp on his cock…I hope my step mum is not reading this, if you are PLEASE don’t!

Here is some nice stuff….
On the way home today we stopped off at Barnard Market town near Scotch Corner, it’s a wee picturesque town with a big castle ruins. They views were amazing, you can see them on

http://uk.photos.yahoo.com/janeygodley/

You can see them under Nottingham and Barnard, some nice pics.
I am off to London tomorrow, so I will be in touch soon.

Finally made it to NOTTINGHAM...just when I get here I get a call to say that the Jongleurs gig has been cancelled. So here I am here sitting in one of those fast 'games' internet shops, you know the kind where lots of young geeky people sit here and try to kill people that they cant kill in real life...on linked up web games all over the world, they are sitting here all around me shouting and yelling as the fire at strange creatures.
Maybe masturbation is too much of an effort nowadays! Maybe they can simulate 'simulated sex?’...
Meanwhile I have now got Friday and Saturdays gig to go.
As you know my laptop is screwed so I cannot go on the web till tomorrow, hopefully I will be more exciting and ready to blog then!
Janey

Went out to East Lothian last night for a corporate gig, I got all dressed up nice, high heeled boots, smart trousers with shiny hair and make up. Husband and I were going for dinner before the gig. It was set in a lovely hotel near Edinburgh.
We arrived and the crowd were a smallish bunch of middle class interesting people who worked for a company that makes small ‘urology’ type devices for surgeons who repair people’s toilet parts!

It was nice room but the setting was quite intimidating as the room was set for dinner and not really conducive to performing.
I walked into the room, the people at the tables all turned to look at me, they were watching intently. I stood at the front of the people, put one finger in my ear and said clearly “You all thought this was a conference, well…please don’t stare into the cameras” I pointed into the corners of the room and continued “My name is Janey, this is not a comedy gig, we are here from Channel Four, just want to let you know you have all been sacked”

The room fell even more silent, their shocked faces stared at me, I put my finger into my ear and ran to the first person and said “reaction?”
Then I laughed and told them it was a comedy gig and that was my opening line….how they laughed!
They really were a nice bunch of urology folks and the gig went on fine.

I wrapped up the gig and we drove home, then I realised we needed supplies for the journey today to Nottingham, so we stopped off at the giant Tesco store.
It was now after midnight and I love shopping at this time, except the staff have a different ghetto blaster that pumps out music at every fucking different aisle as the stack all the shelves, its like shopping in a loud confused disco, just for the record the Organic section is gay or at least the music is!

Husband and I were in electronics and as I teetered about in my high heel boots and fussed with freshly applied lip gloss, I felt something hit my feet, I looked down and there was a ball. I expected to look along the aisle and find a child who had booted the ball to me in between the plasma screens and toasters.

But it was a young man in his twenties, his friend who was standing behind me looked at me and smiled sheepishly and spoke to his footballing friend “Tom stop that”
Husband smiled and everyone carried on staring at goods, I then flicked my sharp booted toe under the ball towards the guy and shouted “for the head”
He immediately jumped up and headed the ball straight back at me.
He smiled and had a mischievous look on his face that challenged me to go on, so I did.

I swung my handbag over my back and had the ball at my feet, running in high heels was not easy but goals were to be scored, Tom smiled but took a defensive stance just at the end of the television aisle, husband stood in shock, the other guy gasped as Tom and I went head to head in sliding tackle, we collided, there were no injuries and no subs came on the ‘field’. We got back up.

I ran towards him, he thought I was going to deflect the ball off the plasma tellies, but I just let him think that was my tactic, I slipped the ball from feet to feet and as I got closer he spread his legs to defend the goal, I passed it easily through his open legs, leapt over his right feet and screamed with glee as the ball hit the goals…well I say ‘goa’l it belted into the organic veg section which technically was the goal. Tom cheered and slid to the floor shouting “The lady has scored”

I ran up the aisle laughing towards him and we both cheered, husband stood with Toms friend, both of them looked like we were toddlers and they were the patient fathers waiting on the wee ones getting back to good behaviour befitting a supermarket visit.
Tom smiled, winked and said “Good game Godley”
He knew my name!
Husband spoke loudly “Food to buy come on” and laughed as my footballing friend and I said goodbye.
“He knew my name” I said to husband.
“You are a famous footballer, of course he knows your name” husband replied with a serious face “You will be playing for Celtic soon”.

I may be old, but not too old for game of supermarket football.

I am off to Nottingham for three days work, I may be late or inconsistent with the blog as my laptop has broke, so bear with me.

Yesterday I went to the breast clinic for my check up. The male doc and female doc came into the room as I stripped. She was very bland looking, dressed in beige and woollens, like something from the 1970’s, her un remarkable brown hair was thick and plain looking pulled in a pony tail, he was tall, with short brown hair wearing clothes and style that could not define a generation. I though for a moment I had stepped into the past via some strange NHS time-port-hole.

“My God your fucking hands are freezing” I gasped as the bland man felt my left boob “Did you have a special ice box outside the room to keep them at that horrid temperature?” The scary non speaking woman doc stood with her back against the wall and stared at me emotionless.

“Please tell me that lump you can feel won’t send me to the choppy, clampy, stampy tit squashing mammogram machine?” I giggled, hoping he would finally crack a smile or something….but NO, she stood looking at me impassively as I blurted out
“I am sorry, I talk a lot when I get nervous, and this is making me nervous…you know how it is when some strange man is pressing into my lumpy tit”.

I kid you not, they both stood there completely un smiling, completely un interested and finally man doctor said “ This is not going to require any more tests, I think we have realised that this lump is just going to stay here and not be dangerous”

“Well thanks Doc, can you please both do me a big favour?” They never even looked at each other with any form of interest in what I was about to say, so I continued “Please never ever come to a comedy club, can both of you promise me that, I swear to God I will never bring this lump back here….Ok are you both Borgs? You know seven of nine…that Star Trek thing…is she two of six?”

They both left the room and the wee Scottish blonde nurse came back in “You ok Janey?” she smiled “Yes I’m all clear, listen are those two people real…I mean fucksake, I have never seen two glum unaffected people like that in my life, thank fuck I never had cancer and they were the people who had to bring me that news!”

The wee nurse laughed aloud, and whispered conspiratorially “Pair of strange geeks eh? At least you are clear and not getting ready for another round of tests”

She was right, who cares the docs was odd, and I don’t have cancer!

This morning was fun filled happy time as baby Abi stayed over and we have got her to say in her wee two year old lispy words “George Bush is a mental man who lies for oil and started an illegal war”

It is such fun and as she is very smart for her age, we are parrot fashion teaching her the words and extending the sentence and she is now word perfect. She can also count to twenty in English and French! She is so cute and only two years old with that curly mad Gene Wilder hair-do she seems to have inherited from no one in the family! Well other than me, but even my hair isn’t that crazy!

So today I went to the dentist to get my treatment for teeth whitening, and next month I get veneers put over the nasty dull shells, I call teeth. I will put up some pics of my teeth as the whitening process takes place and we shall see the results as they happen, I told my dentist that I would be posting it all on the web, so it better work!
If you want to see the pictures daily go to this link…

http://uk.photos.yahoo.com/janeygodley/
Click onto the thumbnail of my teeth and watch daily as the treatment takes effect, I never posted a picture of my lumpy tit, I didn’t wanna frighten anyone.