I am a nasty whore lately, we are staying in this wee serviced flat and everything is so small and close. The flat is great don’t get me wrong but small ‘see through’ plastic tables that are knee high and my big clumsy husband do not a partnership make.

He is making me mental, we are not used to being stuck together in such a small space, I climbed into bed, I had to go from the bottom and climb up as there is no real space at the sides and as I climbed I accidentally put my pillow on his face as he slept and he screamed thinking I was trying to suffocate him, I wasn’t then but now I might.

The flat is cool, the advantages out weigh the cons as we have a full kitchen and good TV service and Free internet!

I cant wait to see Ashley, she called last night and told me at her Karaoke night she hosts there was a big mental man with a big cut on his head trying to sing “Who’s Sorry Now” she made me laugh telling me the whole scene, step by step….thank God she has his height, looks, brown eyes, good hair yet my DNA!

Well I have to apologise to my bloggers who normally receive a ‘February Newsletter’. My pc has been screwed and I haven’t had time to get it done. Sorry!

I was appalled to see in our National press, British soldiers attacking some Iraq’ youths, this is fucking terrifying and morally awful…who wants to be the parents of these young men? Who fucked them up so far that they attack helpless people in such a degrading manner? War makes people mental but it shouldn’t make them violent to that extent, we can’t become animals in the face of an enemy.

I am also annoyed at the whole ‘Drawings of Mohammed’ situation sparked off in Denmark. I am a stand up comic and I reserve the right to take the piss out of anything I see fit. On stage I laugh at Catholics, protestants and Jewish people, the audience laugh…but when I say the word ‘Muslim’ they all go squeamish and nervously quiet…surely its ok to talk about every religion? Surely leaving out the Muslims that’s a form of discrimination?
It turns out that photo copies of Mohammed dressed up as a paedophile were passed around extremist groups, when the Danish press were confronted by these images they were horrified as they NEVER drew those cartoons. It was extremist groups that drew them themselves and admitted this saying “This is what they would look like if you had drawn them”
That’s fucking outrageous! It was done to incite more hatred!
The world is mental.

I have one more gig tonight at Leeds Jongleurs and tomorrow I drive through to Manchester to take part in the BBC Radio 4 show ’60 acts in 60 Minutes’, then I go home for one night and fly out to London on Wednesday to go to party season central! Brits and Bafta’s in one week? I am a society IT girl….well tit girl to be honest!

I am sorry it has been a few days since my last blog, the laptop went a bit slow and it needed a clean out.
The shows are going great, I love being up there on stage doing my stuff.
Have been really inspired with comedy again after doing the workshops with kids lately, they are so honest and funny. Every week, I take 14 teenagers on a comedy workshop; I want them to gain confidence and fun from comedy. Some of those kids are so fucking funny when they get up, I see them just throwing themselves into it full tilt and I love it.
The improve exercises get them into the groove and they really do show a great interest in performing; some of the one liners they come out with are hysterical.

So I am still in Leeds, I went shopping yesterday for a decent outfit to wear to the Brit Awards night. Now those who know me know that I am small, quite chubby (less now since I have stopped eating rubbish) but my boobs are huge for a small person like me 36DD.

So I stand in the designer store looking at fabrics colours and then am approached by the skinniest, nubile gay-est man in the world “Can I help you?” He asked. So I explained that I needed an outfit and he escorted me over to a range of clothing that would never have even fitted around my fucking wrist…I am not joking…these clothes were for some eleven year old girl who looked like a seven year old boy…to be precise.

I looked the shop assistant in the eye and then pointed to my two huge Scottish globes and said “Do you honestly know what I am pointing at? These are tits, and they are huge, there is nothing in that range that accommodates my tits, do you have clothes for women here or is everything for women who date men who like their women to look like children? Did Gary Glitter design these clothes? Did Michael Jackson help him out?”

The lovely wee gay dude burst out laughing and we literally held onto each other pissing ourselves giggling, he then started to try to stretch some of the tiny clothes across my boobs; this went on until people started commenting and we stopped. I never got an outfit, but I have a new screaming queen gay pal.

I have nothing to wear, but who cares, its not as if I dress up better and Kanye West will want me, I already have a man who wants me, ok he is not famous or a black rap artist, but he does go to the chemist to get me tampax…cant see 50 cent doing that can you?

I have been so bloody busy, I have had not one minute to blog, but finally am here in Leeds. I am staying at the K-Space apartments as I detest hotels now; I have had my fill of them. Serviced apartments are the way to go, this wee solo flat is cool. As usual I am staying around a building site (everywhere I go in England its being developed!) but the flat is nice…really helpful guy called Steven met us and greeted us…makes a difference.

The new teeth are nice, I am still not used to having a full straight smile of white teeth and I can’t stop staring at them! Now I have noticed my wrinkles, double chin and may have to get plastic surgery to make me look pretty! I am JOKING!
I read with horror Madonna’s article in Elle magazine, she says “I don’t like being this skinny, but all the men I have dated including my husband Guy like me very thin, so I starve myself to look how he desires me, I prefer a bit of meat on me, but Guy hates it”
Well, there we are, well done Madonna…I am sure even your kabala people will love that you starve yourself in case you are not loved. Surely if her religion is that strong to her soul, she would not give a flying fuck what a mere mortal thought of her body and she would have the religious security in herself to be who she wants to be….
I can just imagine loads of young women reading that article and reinforcing this current trend we have for young females risking their own well being to stay dangerously thin.
You only have to look at Victoria Beckham to see how far this trend has entrenched itself in the 21st century, the irony is, despite Victoria starving herself, her husband fucks other woman. There is a lesson there for us all ladies!
Eat cake –get laid.

I didn’t sleep well last night, because my husband woke me up at 3am…because he thought that would be a good idea. Despite me telling him I never slept well in London, despite me explaining how I hadn’t had a decent night’s kip in days, he thought a 3am booty call was cool. We still aren’t talking; I am scared to look at him lest I stab him! Lovely!

So I stayed up till 6am calling New Zealand and checking details of the tour and stuff. I did go back to bed and fell into a scary sleep that fucked me up a bit and at 3pm I had a dental appointment, the final treatment to get my new veneers fitted. I lay there tired and grumpy as the poor man tiled my mouth for me.
The job was done, so I went into the reception to pay. My credit card bounced! Maybe the dentist would have to take the veneers back off as I hadn’t paid. I started to call the credit card company and then my phone started ringing, I had BBC radio, BBC TV and gigs all being booked right there in the dental receptionist desk, she started taking notes for me. I still hadn’t paid the fee, there seems to be a problem with my card and a payment that didn’t go through, so I whipped out another card and paid my bill.

I have no idea what has happened with my card, but I am sure it will be fine.

I am booked for 60 acts in 60 minutes next week in Manchester, it’s a cool BBC show and I am chuffed to be on it. I just need to organise my life and get everything done and sometimes it gets all on top pf me and I lie awake panicking that I have forgot something.

My poor daughter Ashley had been vomiting all night and throwing up all day, I feel so bad for her, she has some food poisoning. There is nothing worse watching your own child being that sick, I would do anything to take it off her and let her be safe and well. I am sure she will be fine.
I will post a final picture of my teeth as soon as my laptop lets me download them.

Husband will never wake me up again; I will actually kill him if he does!

Tonight was just fucking great; there were at least 40 acts on in an extravaganza at the Hackney Empire in London last night. I had been groggy all day due to the nightmares, and this made me feel like shit, but I cheered up when I arrived.

My old mate Findlay and his friends were coming and I was too tired to meet them beforehand and this annoyed me.
I got to the amazing old theatre at 8pm, the show had just started and there were loads of huge stars that were friends of the late great Malcolm milling around backstage, Jools Holland and his band Squeeze were there, Arthur Smith, Boothby Graffoe, Jimmy Carr, Stewart Lee, Kevin Eldon, Brian Damage and Krystal, that bloke from the Fast Show whose name escapes me, Malcolm’s old mates from the Tunnel club and many more I cannot clearly recall…it was so good to see so many people who loved Malcolm turn up for his benefit gig.

I was horribly nervous as the night went on but seeing so many familiar faces soon calmed me down. I was on so near the end, it was me, then Johnny Vegas and then the infamous Balloon Dancers that Malcolm had created many years ago and that was the close of the show.
I did hit the stage nervous as the crowd had been very cruel and heckled all the way through poor Jimmy Carr’s set, yet he pulled them back and made the best he could of a conflicted audience.
I did talk too quick for the first 50 seconds, being on that HUGE stage in front of that HUGE audience made me jitter, but then I settled ok and enjoyed my stage time.

Then Johnny Vegas came on, he was already drunk and a bit shouty, he didn’t really capture the crowd and then it all went downhill on a bobsleigh, Johnny normally thrives on this kind of situation, but he became incoherent and the crowd went for his throat. He rambled on some more and then tried to get the crowd on its feet to honour Malcolm, but people started leaving as they thought this was the end….We were meanwhile all standing side stage and we knew the balloon dancers had to go on, time was running out, the people were heckling each other and Johnny became morose and mumbly.

One of the spectacular Can Can dancers who were on earlier tries to distract him and lead him off but he was having none of it, so the MC ran on and started to introduce the next act (the infamous Balloon dance), just then I snuck on and twisted my hand round Johnny’s jacket and quickly lead him off.
There was no other way to do it and the crowd were getting so stroppy, he had been getting louder and drunker…it really was time for him to get off.
The press were there in droves and I was worried the show would fall apart, which to be honest would have been just like a Malcolm type show anyway.

John Fleming who had put the whole thing together was amazing throughout and I would like to take this opportunity to thank him for what would have been a grotesque nightmare in the hands of any other organiser, all those egos? All that alcohol? All those things that can go wrong? He kept his cool and that is a testimony to his friendship, Malcolm would have been chuffed.
Well done Mr Fleming…you pulled it off!