Well I have finally broken my ‘I don’t drink’ statement, ok let me make this very clear, I choose not to drink alcohol as I don’t like being that drunk feeling BUT Monica and I went for a night out to the famous Groucho club in London. It’s an exclusive private club that is mainly attended by the TV, media and film people.

I love it there and the place is really nice to hang out in, no mad London tourists, no crazy buskers or half naked girls trying to fuck a footballer, just nice interesting people who like nice places….and to network.

So I decided (why?) to have a gin and tonic, an occasional drink is cool for me and I like to have one now and again, but after four gin and tonics, I was giggly. Which didn’t seem to bother me, but I felt a wee bit dizzy….anyway we chatted with Jude Law, Ben Chaplin and a few other famous actors who either Monica or I knew through our work connections, she was having a natter to a couple of journalists also. So the company was good, the drinks flowed and I staggered slightly for the first time in years…Monica laughed her ass off at me, she is a bitch!

We had a great time and the guys famous or not were great form and you do forget that you are chatting to really popular people and end up talking about mundane stuff and sharing wee stories. I decided enough was enough and I needed to go home, not until I hit the fresh air did I feel the full effect of the alcohol and getting a taxi was a fucking nightmare, but we made it and I finally got to bed and just lay there watching the ceiling spin.
Ok Jude Law would have made that a more exciting time…but alas…I am married and he is not really into dating older married fat women…

I have had the most horrible couple of days. After the car crash, I had to stay up to 5am to get to the airport in the hope British Airways would let me on the first flight. I did this on the advice of their call centre staff, when I got there the staff did give me a stand by ticket, then a really angry supervisor decided that I wasn’t getting the ‘free’ upgrade to an earlier flight and made me buy a new ticket. I did this as I had an audition with BBC at 11.30am, I did explain to her I was acting on advice from BA staff but she stood there all angry and mental and said I was “immoral asking the ‘girls’ on the desk for an early ticket as this is impossible” I was about to tell her about how sitting in a BA plane for three hours on the tarmac after getting me out of bed at 4am for a 7am flight that never took off till 11am last December was fucking evil, never mind immoral, but I saw she was one of those women who will always be right, even in the face of wrongness…poor cow. But I am going to write and complain to her boss, when I get home.
So anyway, there I was flying into London early and got straight to the apartment in time for a change of clothes and coffee. I made it to the BBC centre in time and the audition passed very quickly, I think I did the best I could. This part is for a Scottish drama and the good thing is, IF I get this part I get to ride a ‘Penny Farthing Bicycle’ how cool is that?
I dashed off back to the flat to get ready for the Brits party; I took ages with my hair and make up as I did want to look nice. Finally I met up with Emma, my publicist from Ebury Press. We got through the whole ‘red carpet’ door scenario and walked downstairs at the Astor which used to be the Atlantic Bar, where I used to run a comedy club in 2001.
I love the old Art Deco bar, it really does remind you of a bygone era, all original Art Deco fittings, marble pillars, ornate ceiling, huge chandelier…it looks like the interior of the Titanic!
Anyway on the floor at the entrance to the main bar was a huge projection of a swimming pool complete with huge big Koi Carp dashing about…it was scary to step on, my brain knew it was a silver screen on the floor with a digital projector but my eyes kept dashing around trying to make sense of the image as I literally walked on water…and fish!
We got seated and then in came a horde of very near naked girls…I have to tell you how funny this was…one girl was small and very skinny but with HUGE un-natural globe like fake breasts, the nipples of which were poking though a fluorescent pink string vest she was wearing (she had no bra of course), all she had on underneath the pink string vest was a pink tiny g-string, her hair was that extreme white blonde and she looked like she had just opened her make up bag and shook it over her face!
She was surrounded by equally near naked girls who almost all looked the same, g-strings, big hair burst make up bag affliction…
As I went to the loo…pink fluorescent girl was lying on the swimming pool effect flooring, the digital fish swam everywhere as the blue water shimmered on the screen, she laughed with photographers around her, she then spread her legs wide and at that very moment I said loudly “I don’t know if you know but as you opened you legs a big animated fish swam into your vagina!”
The photographers laughed loudly and pink girl looked at me annoyed and sniggered “Well old woman, are you lying down here getting YOUR picture taken?”
I looked at her from a strange angle and then walked round to see her face and I replied “No, I am not because I managed to get an education, not a very good one to be honest but one that will ensure I never have let fish swim up my vag in front of strange men!”
Again people laughed and I then felt desperately sorry for her, I was annoyed at taking the piss out if her as she really believes she is doing what empowers her and maybe it does, I just don’t agree with it and I shouldn’t mock her for choosing that life…who am I to judge?
Now the whole room was heaving with minor and major stars of the music business, young men stared at the semi naked pouting girls for a short while, the pouting girls were now kissing each other, maybe for two reasons…
1) They were disappointed in the men there
2) If they pretended to be lesbians the men would want them more…
Anyway as I watched the men watching the women, the actually became strangely immune to them and after a while women who were dressed actually became objects of curiosity! I had four young guys come over to chat to me as they assumed that as I was older and had clothes on I must be influential in the music business, the pushed the sexy girls out of the way to sit beside me and were pretty annoyed to find out I was just a stand up comic/writer.
It was a funny night and yet good fun, I saw loads of famous people, who largely sat by themselves or with their minders and chatted intently, as the near naked girls giggled and chattered like wee gaudily dressed sparrows on the fringes of the room.
Lets hope they had fun!

check out the show I was on click the link to hear latest..
www.bbc.co.uk/radio4/comedy/jonronson_on.shtml

We just left Manchester hotel, I decided that being so shattered I would lie down in the back and sleep all the way home. So I propped a pillow in the back seat, made a wee cosy bed, strapped on my seat belt and snuggled down. I was tense, yet tired; I hate trying to sleep in the car and made an effort to relax. I was listening to radio 4, there was a guy on saying the worse stress he ever suffered was when his car crashed and he looked at the shock on his wife’s face and I wondered how my husband would react in that situation. I could feel the engine purr along, the car stop and start through city traffic and then…BANG, I was thrown forward, my head hit the driver’s seat and then I slumped back, glass shattered all over me and I sat straight up to see a bus behind us all mangled at the front….a fucking big bus!

Husband had stopped at the entrance to a roundabout to check for on coming traffic (as you do, ramming onto a roundabout without checking is known as suicide) there were traffic lights in the approach to the roundabout, maybe three bus lengths behind the entrance onto the actual roundabout. The bus saw them as green…looked right to check for traffic as he came up to the roundabout…strangely enough he never looked in front of himself and crashed straight into our stationery vehicle!

The bus was busy with passengers, I jumped out of the car and my head was numb with the bang it got, I checked myself for any cuts and watched husband walk over to the bus man who shouted “You were stopped there on the line and those lights back there were green, so this is your fault”
Husband looked at him and walked away and came over to check if I was ok, as he came near, bus driver came with him “You must be in shock mister bus driver, to assume that you can crash into stationery vehicles and be annoyed that they were in your way is just nuts” I spoke quietly.

Our insurance people quickly assured us that we are in the right, the roundabout was indeed not governed by any lights and in any case if it were and we had stopped at a green light and were stationery as the bus approached (as we were) then it’s the bus drivers fault for not looking in front of himself. That did not stop the panic and shock settling in.
I had a 5am rise tomorrow, a BBC drama audition, a party to attend and a flight to make…WHY ME?

We drove home in a back windowless car, it rained inside the car, which was an experience…we were shocked and shattered but above all safe. I will post a pic or a link to it here soon as possible.

I am now in Manchester, the drive from Leeds was easy. Just as I have my whole diary worked out, everything is thrown into disarray. I am going home tomorrow to do a workshop with the kids then on Wednesday I fly to London at Midday so I can attend the Brits party and I would be staying in London till Monday so I can attend the BAFTA awards on Sunday. Then I get a phone call from BBC wanting me to attend an audition in GLASGOW on Thursday!
I cannot possibly fly to London then fly home and fly back! That’s madness and BA already get the lions share of my cash as it is!
Luckily, BBC have arranged for me to get the audition in London on Wednesday morning at 11-30am. So I am flying out of Glasgow at 6am instead!
I am so fucking stressed trying to organise my life, I don’t know if I actually live in London now.
Husband was annoying me trying to talk over my phone calls and that made me mental, he doesn’t understand that whilst I am trying to make adjustments to my diary I am not interested in how many towels are in this hotel room. At least there are no ‘see through’ stacking tables in this room as his aspergic brain just couldn’t comprehend the wee tables in that flat in Leeds, “If I cant see them, then they do not exist” is his thinking.
So I am off to learn a whole script before Wednesday and now go off to record a show for BBC radio four….my head is going to explode, yet husband has just asked me “Do you fancy a wee kiss and hug before you go?”
If I kill him you are all my witness’s.