I went up into Easterhouse (rundown area of Glasgow), it has a brand new huge shopping park. I was doing a book signing/comedy gig there at the Borders Book Store. As I approached the store I saw a small crowd outside, I thought “Maybe people are queuing up?” But no it was in fact an exhibition of wild owls. Yes OWLS…you read it correct. I was about to go into to my event and a big owl flapped at me and almost poked my funny hair. It was tethered at the leg (in case it decided Easterhouse was shite and the woods were more interesting, I mean to be honest what would an owl want with a shopping complex?) There was a man in a green gillet strapping the bored tired owls onto the wrists of small kids (one owl was so big I thought it could take off and drag the small child away as prey) the man then took photographs of the child holding an owl.
I was mesmerised by this strange display and felt so sorry for the bored looking exquisitely beautiful birds.
Anyway I went into the venue and took up my place at the microphone and there in front of me were about thirty people and 6 small kids…
Great…I got one of the wee boys up and asked him “who are you here with?”
“My granddad” he answered.
“Did you get to hold an owl?” I asked, pointing outside the big glass window to the owl man and his tethered birds.

“No my granddad says they are biting bastards, and if I want to get close to an owl he will take me up the bluebell woods and we wont have to pay a fucking weirdo to take photos of me holding it” the wee innocent boy with big blue eyes clearly spoke.
My audience howled with laughter, the granddad blushed and I said “You know what? I think you granddad is right”
I got other kids up for a chat and they were so funny, I joked with the audience and sold some books.
I love kids, especially Glasgow kids!

I have loads of Sony mini discs with shows I recorded onto them , loads of live shows and I thought this was up to the minute technology, turns out that the mini discs cannot be uploaded onto my pc as they can only be listened to, the Sony Sonic Stage software people called me today after my extensive problems, they told me the news that the mini discs are useless to upload, I even found a big petition on the web to Sony as it is them that will not develop the software to allow us to utilise our recorded data.
So therefore I have full shows on mini discs that can never be broadcast. I fucking hate Sony, I was going to upload some of my shows onto LIVEDIGITAL alongside my videos, but no can do.
So I will have to find a corrupt way of doing it, for I shall not be beaten!

I am slowly getting over my cold/flu; I did the Glasgow Comedy Festival Pub Crawl last night. The flu was making me shiver as I dragged my sorry ass from bar to bar with a cheery and fucking awesome crowd. I had to do comedy standing on a small table in one bar and in another bar I decided to pretend I was ‘special needs’. I watched all these nice people make sympathetic faces as I rambled on, my pub crawl people knew I was ‘in character’ and we laughed so much, you have no idea how much shit you can get away with if you have learning problems. I know this will evoke anger and annoyance in some people but I play this character in a sketch show, so I was just taking the character to new areas of comedy.
Today I have stopped coughing and peeing and am patiently waiting on my period arriving….if that fails to show…I will throw myself of the highest building in Glasgow.
Pregnancy is neither desired nor fucking convenient right now; if I cannot download my shows I am not downloading a baby….that’s official.
My software will not allow it, and I am staying away from hardware in case I have this scary situation again…I am too old and too busy to be dealing with this…where the fuck is the control/alt/delete button on my ovaries?

I sneezed and snot flew all over my pc screen. There were big streaks of it and it looked like the map of Norway. I want to die…I cannot believe how fucked and miserable this virus is making me. I was on BBC Radio 7 today, I tried to not cough and sneeze or pee…it was horrid. I finally managed to get through the whole show without making a big ass of myself.
I went for a coffee after the show and sat in my local bar chatting with some of my old mates. My hair looked like I had been brushed backwards by an angry special needs person and I have a red nose that makes me look like a special needs person.
Life is getting a bit hectic but I am on top of most of it, I have almost got the posters organised for NZ and need to get the ones done for Edinburgh Fringe.
Are there any poster designers out there?
There is so much more to be done and I have just organised a short run at the prestigious Soho Theatre in London’s West End. They called me yesterday to offer me the slot and now I have some of that organised. Thanks to the wonderful John Fleming ( guy who helps me daily with PR and TV ideas and is currently trying to join a witness protection scheme to get away from me as I slowly turn into devils spawn!).
I have a temperature and the nasty sticky feeling down my back is making me heave.
I am getting some rehearsal space organised for my play and the sketch show that Ashley and I are planning.
I am sorry I am grumpy this past week but when my period arrives and the flu fucks off…I will be as happy as H R Puffinstuff!

Ok I have been writing very little lately as I have the flu…hoping its not the fucking bird flu to be honest, so far no feathers have popped outta my ass when I sneeze so that’s a good sign.
I coughed so much yesterday that I pissed a little bit in my knickers…that is the fucking end of my life right there…I am now addicted to those exercises that strengthen your bladder and vagina, I swear to God my vag will resemble a bulldog clip by the end of the month, I will be able to pick up petit pois with my pussy and be the envy of every woman on this block. I never want to ever cough and piss ever again. It’s not a good thing.
I have also turned into the evil woman from hell, husband is shit scared of me as I have dragged every single bad thing he ever did since 1979 and threw it into his face. My sister called today and I couldn’t talk to her coz I was stuck in 1983 and couldn’t concentrate on her chatter and maintain the arguement about the day my husband called me a cunt in front of people whilst Wham! was on the jukebox and Prince Andrew was bragging about his spell as a fighter pilot in the Falklands.
I need to stop going over the past, husband is considering separation and I am desperately trying to recall what I was wearing the day he threw coffee over me when Princess Diana gave birth to Harry and Frankie goes to Hollywood was number one. Maybe when my period arrives on Thursday I will be a nicer person or maybe I will throw hot coffee over him and sing my favourite song?
I am off to be nice, my daughter is buying a straight jacket from Ebay.

I attended a private party on Saturday. A 40th birthday was being celebrated and 80’s pop giants Human League were the stars of the show. I got up and did some stand up before they came on, I could see many confused people looking at the stage saying “The bloke from Human League has got long hair and looks like a wee fat woman”
The crowd were really not expecting me on to be honest and I performed throughout the dessert part of the meal, but it did go fine and to say I shared a stage with Human League was awesome.
The party was held in a huge ware house in Darlington; it was all lit up and made very swish. We had chauffer driven cars to take the party goers to and from the hotel. It was really nice and I had a great time. I will load up some pics soon.
The journey by train was tedious getting home; snow is beating the countryside again.
So here I am home again, waiting for the next train ride/car journey/flight…