Everyone believes that working in comedy and entertainment is full of fun and sexy nights and drug fuelled parties, well its not.
BUT…last night on the Glasgow Comedy Pub Crawl we did almost have all three.
Firstly there was THE SEXIEST man alive there; he was tall, dark, with that square jawed look, that firm toned body and the most amazing expressive blue eyes I ever saw on any man ever. To top it all he is actually Swedish and a doctor! I went over to his table to chat and as I was doing this my daughter Ashley clocked me and stood behind me, japing me, she was doing a whole coy act, playing with her hair and being all girly. I thought the guy was smiling at me but he was actually laughing at my daughter behind me all the while. Ashley was there to film me on her brand new camera and tripod.
I can’t believe she took the piss out of me and really made me look a fucking stalky old nutter drooling over the cutest man in Glasgow…but she did.
Then I had to go on stage and do a set that entails me not swearing to camera. It felt so odd, it was like wearing the wrong shoes, the wrong teeth and struggling to speak in Dutch….all the while looking at the sexiest man staring at me whilst my daughter was giggling at me behind a camera.
After we left the first bar, we made it along the road to following pub to set up the pub crawl comedy night.
I was walking slowly behind, lost in my own thoughts and was approached by the strange looking, scruffily dressed woman. She had a big gangly, shaggy black dog on an orange rope with her. The dog looked as if it wanted to go North as she was heading South, it actually looked embarrassed to be with her, if that dog could talk it would have said “Fuck off scary old woman and let me go stay with people who don’t eat their own snot”
The woman came over to me, her dog looked away averting my eyes and she grabbed my sleeve shouting “Missus, can you give me five pounds and I will give you a wee bit of hash?”
I looked into her grubby hand and she was holding a small lump of cannabis.
“No thanks, I don’t want any drugs” I looked down and patted her dogs head; it wagged its tail very slowly and raised its head and sheepishly looked at me with big brown soft eyes.
“He is called Mesopotamia” she slurred. That surprised me, she knew a big fucking word!
I really wanted the dog, I would have given her a fiver for that big woolly dog, but the thought of dragging a big dog to a comedy gig put me off. Then the thought of taking it home to a bemused husband who won’t let me keep animals also put me off.
I carried on for the rest of the night getting on and off stage in various bars all the while thinking constantly about that big dog.
I wish I had a pet.
When I got home, my daughter asked me how the rest of my night went as she went off home after the first set in the first pub.
“Mum did you tell dad about that sexy man you were drooling over?”
Husband smiled at me, I winked and Ashley said “Dad, he was so gorgeous and mum was so shameful trying to sexually assault him during the gig”
I looked at her and laughed out loud and replied “When you left he gave me his number, he snogged me in the street and told me in his Swedish accent that I am the sexiest woman he has ever met”
Ashley screamed and said “Did you really kiss him in the street?”
“No, not really I met a junkie and a cool dog called Mesopotamia”

As we all know that commercial vehicle ‘Mothers Day’ arrives in UK 26^th March. I have a wonderful step mum called Mary, she is adorable and I am proud to have her as a mother and dedicated my autobiography to her (amongst other women in my family).

My real birth mother was murdered in 1982, so today I was thinking about her and thought I would tell you some funny stuff about her, she was called ‘Annie’.

Annie was slim, dark eyed and very funny (wonder where I got that funny thing from eh?)

She had a hard life, looked after her younger brother and sister before she got married and promptly had four kids to my father.

My ‘mammy’ as I call her was a great story teller and could also dance better than anyone I have ever seen in real life, this was a woman who could make soup and jive and manage to boot a snarling Alsatian out of the way as she quick stepped around a small dirty kitchen in Glasgow’s east End.

My mammy was scared of our dog, in fact she was scared of all dogs, yet we owned a biting angry dog called Major. He never bit mammy, and they had a truce between them-she fed him and he stayed out of her way.

I used to sit and stroke him and would beg my mammy to give him some affection, but Major eyed her nervously and she spit angrily that he would never get any comfort from her and this annoyed me, as Major was my love and my everlasting hero.

I was sexually abused by my mammy’s brother David and Major would attack him every time the man entered our home, the dog suffered beatings for his disobedience, yet he never gave up biting the paedophile…that’s why I loved my dog.

Anyway I recall one night when my mammy was sitting with her wee pal having a drink and good old Glasgow gossip. I sat there with them and there was knock at the door, I jumped up, went down the hallway, shoved the barking dog out of the way and answered the door.

To my absolute horror it was an Electricity Board worker carrying a small step ladder, telling me he was there to cut off our supply for failure of payment. I had made the awful error of letting him into our hallway.

I heard a commotion in the living room and the man came through as he followed me in to our dirty house.

What I witnessed will never leave me till this day…in the time it took for me to answer the door-my mammy had pulled down the couch/sofa bed, hopped into it, raised her knees beneath the dirty covers, her mate was rubbing her head and shouting to the young guy “Quick, she is having a baby, go boil water and grab her hand”

Then my Mammy, in her best Norma Desmond school of acting method screamed “Son, if you need to cut off our electricity, go ahead, I don’t want you in trouble son, you do what you need top do” And then she screamed “That’s another contraction Carole AAARRGGGHHH!”

The dog and I just stood there aghast at the whole debacle, I was only twelve years old, I really thought she was having a baby! I was unaware this was her ruse to get shot of the electricity man off the premises without disconnecting our unpaid supply.

Well the young guy ran out of our house in shock, he never stopped to cut us off and within seconds my mammy and her mate were back at the wee two bar electric heater smoking fags and continuing their chat.

That’s what I remember about my mammy, her sheer steely faced determination and funny improvised ways that got her in and out of trouble.

I just wish she could have wiggled her way out of being killed by that bastard boyfriend she trusted all those years ago.

She ended up drowned in the River Clyde, we found her days after she disappeared, I still to this day don’t know the actual day or the real facts behind her death.

Happy Mothers Day Annie.

 

 

You can check my first ever live video blog on http://livedigital.com/AOrOBgDvzQ/content/91388/ 

Ashley and I sat down and taped it and uploaded it today, she is a whiz with the laptop and multi media stuff, and meanwhile I am still getting to grips with working the timer on my oven. I have been doing nothing but arguing for the past two days with husband, he is plotting his getaway I am sure. As soon as Ashley and I go to New Zealand in May, he will pack a bag; change his identity and slope off to Monaco to marry a sweet woman who has tidy hair and no temper. She will be tall, slender and have long glossy smooth hair that swings as she walks, she will love country music, never grow a moustache, have no stretch marks and share his aspergic obsession of binary numbers. She will sit and gaze for hours into his eyes and be amazed at his knowledge of World War 2 movies and his strange interest in bull dog clips and barbed wire (trust me he knows lots about that stuff, coz he is really a borg from planet Zhirro). She will giggle as he tells her that fucked up boring story about the tortoise he once saw choke on a peanut in 1982. She will love the fact he likes sex when you are trying to concentrate on life changing decisions, and kiss you hard when his bristly beard leaves a scaly like rash. I am sure she will squeal with delight when he hugs her and then manages to try to pinch that bit of fat round her middle, coz he loves doing that. She will be lucky and I will be sad he left me. I may have to find a young blind man to love me. Maybe I can stop being bitchy, or maybe not. By the way I got an email from a cool guy in Prague who sent me his new email address, I replied but the address is wrong so if mccorrisken is reading this email me again please? Janey@janeygodley.co.uk

My initial feelings this morning were ‘Don’t wake up’ but I managed to drag my ass out of bed and onto a train to Edinburgh to take part in radio café, a BBC Scotland show. The producer had been along to the Drumchapel workshops and had previously interviewed the kids I had been working with in the ‘Comedy with Confidence’ course.
My daughter Ashley had also been there that day and had made a presentation about being a stand up when she was 11 years old, to help encourage the teenagers with their performance. The show was really well done and to hear my daughter speak well and informative was heart warming, she never even rehearsed her speech and it was very well done, I am so proud.
The BBC loved the piece and has asked Ashley and I to make a recordable blog for broadcast from our trip together in New Zealand! I am well chuffed. They said we work well together, well they never saw her at two years old refusing to use a potty or at three trying to pull out my eyelashes as I slept. We work well now I suppose.
I am very proud of her and still can’t believe that funny girl is mine.
The train journey home was cool; I walked to the train station and took in the absolute beauty that is Edinburgh. During the Edinburgh Festival, I never really get time to enjoy the city, am always stressed about audience numbers, reviews and general performance stress. This time I looked around at the awesome buildings that dominate the city scape, that huge lumbering castle that stands high on the rocks above the train station, the Scott Monument that pokes the skyline with its jagged architecture and let my eyes take in the green mossy giant that is Arthur’s seat.
It really is the most beautiful of sights and I can see why people come from all over the world to visit the city. We Scots do take it for granted; we have buildings there, and buildings that I have performed in, in that city that are actually older than America! Beat that!
I love Edinburgh, I am proud of Scotland, we don’t all deep fry chocolate bars, we don’t all take heroin and we are not all alcoholics’.
Just some of us….mostly people I know…but we are not all mad nutters.

Ovaries remain unfertilised, womb is as barren as an empty waste paper basket and I am the happiest woman alive. I really need to sort out my ‘I think I am pregnant’ situation as I worry monthly, I will not use any invasive birth control that involves drugs or surgery, yet I get scared I am fertile and am carrying evil twins every month.
So it continues.
I did a gig last night for Glasgow Comedy festival at O’Neills on Sauchiehall Street, the crowd were chatty and in good numbers, I love live comedy.
I told them all about the ‘Owl man’ I had met during the day and they all agreed that any man who wears a green gillet, big glove and has an obsession about owls, is a man who has never has a blow job in his life. The minute that guy gets regular sex those wild birds are being thrown into mid air.
I was still laughing at the vision of that wee tiny child almost being dragged away by a big flapping owl…it must have looked like a big mouse to the bird, it tried to fly off to the woods and peck the eyes out of the girl as she stood there waiting on her photo being taken by the scary owl man. Who on earth wants a picture of their child with a flapping owl on her wrist? Weird folk is the answer to that.
“Here is a picture of our Chantalle with an owl” the deranged mother would brag as she flipped the picture out of her handbag.
I have slept most of the day being lazy and tired but was mightily cheered up to discover my website and blog were featured into the ‘Guardian Guide’ yesterday here in the UK. My blog is the focus of my new show this year at Soho Theatre and Edinburgh Fringe Show.
So I am off to enjoy the rest of my Sunday as tomorrow I am off to Edinburgh to be interviewed for a Radio show, I will download it when it has been broadcast and let you hear it if you want.