I am looking after my sister’s daughters for two nights, Natalie and Victoria. Today Natalie is seventeen years old. Her birthday is April 1st, which is the same day my mum went missing in 1982. We assume April 1st is also the day my mum died, we don’t know the true date, we can only assume as her killer denied all knowledge of the incident and he himself is now dead.
My mum was a true April fool, believing in a man who had beat her up before and yet she went for a river walk with him that spring night 24 years ago and was found dead floating in the water three days later.
So I put all of that angst aside and took Natalie out for lunch before I got ready to gig at Jongleurs Glasgow tonight.
The gigs are going well and I am surprised how well the audiences are coping with the smoking ban…they did disappear at the break and they all stood outside and had a quick fag before returning to the second half.
When I came home, husband lifted up the back of my hair as he hugged me, he put his nose into the back of my neck and said “You smell really clean!”
I did and it feels great!

So tonight for the first time, Glasgow Jongleurs was NO smoking…!
I have stopped so it was easy for me (well so far...one day stoppage does not an expert make).
Anyway the crowd were lovely and laughed along fine until I mentioned my funny exchange with Owl Man, for those who have read that blog from last week; Owl Man was the bloke who was stood outside a shopping centre with his collection of woodland owls and birds of prey.
I was telling the audience how he was marching around with a big leather gauntlet on shouting “Does anyone want to stroke a hawk” the absurdity of this situation made me piss myself laughing, so I told the audience and one crowd screamed and pointed to this man sitting at the end of their table, one woman shouted “Its him, he is owl man”
I stopped in mid sentence and asked him “Are you that strange man with the owls and collection of woodland birds”
“Yes” He replied…Owl man was in the house!
“How many birds do you have” I asked him as the audience all stared at him.
“30 owls and fourteen various birds of prey” He smartly and proudly answered.
“Ok, don’t you think you should just let them all go free?” I asked as the audience cheered.
“No, they are all hand raised” He replied.
“Yes, but not by fucking accident, you bred wee owls and birds and keep them tethered to posts” I got annoyed.
“They are entertainers!” he answered.
“Just because something is nailed to a bit of wood doesn’t make it entertainment, Terry Waite the hostage who was tied to a radiator wasn’t an entertainer, Jesus was nailed to a cross but no one shouted up to him ‘Hey Jesus do that funny dance you normally do’ did they? Come on let them all go free” I laughed.
“Well, it is good to let inner city kids see Owls and Hawks, they may have never seen an owl or hawk” he argued.
“Listen mate I know inner city kids who have never seen balsamic vinegar or avocados, but I don’t stand outside shopping malls shoving them into their faces” I added.
The audience was laughing, the guy was laughing I wasn’t being as argumentative as this blog suggests, then it came to me and I stopped and laughed and asked him seriously “Listen mate, imagine you were having the most amazing blow job and right at the perfect moment your phone rang and someone shouted down the line ‘Keith, there has been a eagle spotted at the end of your street sitting beside a dead cat, go quick and get it’ would you jump out of the bed and run after an eagle with your professional bird catching equipment or would you sit back and enjoy the blow job” The whole crowd laughed loudly as Owl man debated this….
I even got the whole crowd to go ‘Whoo whoo’ like an owl and asked him if it made him horny…honestly it was so funny-can you believe I met owl man?
So tonight I have stopped smoking for one whole day and it feels so good, no numb limbs, no ear pain and that fucking smoking ban will never annoy me!

I walked to the shops today; Glasgow was bright but very cold. We even had a partial eclipse of the sun today and I partially missed it! I looked up and tried not to burn my eyes, saw something in the sky….could have been big fat pigeon blocking the sun am not sure but I felt I should mention it.
Anyway, I managed to record my second Live Blog today and you can check it out on Livedigital.com just go to the home page and put my name in- Janey Godley and it will take you to my video’s and media sorry I had to make you work for it -as some of these blog pages don’t support a link!
So there I was walking to the shops and I saw a man coming towards me, he made eye contact and smiled, I smiled and walked on.
Then I felt a hand on my shoulder and I turned quickly to face the guy I had just passed.
“Janey?” He asked.
“Sorry. Do I know you?” I replied.
“Yes, we went to school together, I am Steven; I was your date for the dance in 1977” he smiled.
I felt my heart stop…I did recall him, Holy Crap I used to have a big crush on him when I was 16, and there stood this old man with a baldy head, big fat stomach, sagging jaw line and grey bristly beard!
I smiled and looked past him at the big furniture shop and saw my own reflection in the window.
I had a scruffy pony tail in my hair, half of it falling out and blowing over my face, my combat trousers looked like they were fighting with my fat arse and with no make up on I looked like his mother.
“You look great” He said (liar) “Listen I saw you on TV and told everyone that I used to go out with you” he added.
“Actually we didn’t go out together you were never my boyfriend” I answered.
“We did” He insisted.
“Listen…nice to meet you again, I need to go I am very old and mental and have seventeen cats to feed” I lied and ran off.
What a bastard, but boy did that bring it all home to me.
I can’t believe I am middle aged, I never saw it in me until I saw it in him.
He was gorgeous back in the 1970’s. Tall, slim and with thick dark hair and moody blue eyes, he didn’t actually like me back then and took me to the dance and then told me it was because he did it for a bet.
I had spent a whole week terribly excited back then at the prospect that he fancied me and was horribly crushed when he laughed at me…..sounds like a scene from then horror film ‘Carrie’ except I wasn’t capable of sticking a stiletto into his forehead and throwing pots of blood around! If only!
I am sure when he saw me again he was glad he never really did fancy me, fuck I look old and scraggy.
I really need to re think my wardrobe, I need to put in make up and maybe comb the crazy fuck off hair before I leave the house….just in case George Clooney is looking for me, you never know.

I am thinking about trying to do my three week-one hour nightly show at the Edinburgh Fringe to stream live on the web?
It means I will need to find somewhere to host it, but it also means people from all over the globe can sit at home and watch an Edinburgh Fringe show live in their house!
Other than that piece of innovative thinking, I have been doing nothing but paperwork and trying to get organised.
I am so lazy one minute and thinking so many things the next.
Ashley is the devil incarnate just now, what the fuck is wrong with my 19 year old? She wakes up and is actually the scariest fucker in the world….it takes her hours to be normal and even tempered. When she was a toddler, she was the happiest wee girl in the world; she used to actually wake up singing!
Now she is like Myra Hindley the child killer on crack. I may have to kill her and pretend she has run away.
Glasgow went ‘No Smoking’ on Sunday and all the streets are lined with people standing outside bars smoking in the freezing cold! That’s all we need…really angry Scottish people, the heart disease rate has gone down but people are stabbing each other in fury!
I haven’t been out to a bar or café yet so I have no idea how people are coping.
The law states that you cannot smoke indoors in any public building…I think publicans will build wee out-houses with gas heaters to stop the smokers getting pneumonia, they may never get cancer but they will get hypothermia!
So it is Tuesday and Ashley and I have been writing sketches for our show at the Fringe and its been fun, she really can make me laugh (but not in the mornings).
Husband meanwhile is planning on faking his own death and running away as we both are very volatile performers and he is Aspergers man with no imagination, yet seems to think it is ok to interrupt our flow of creativity to say something really fucking obscure that no audience will ever understand UNLESS they have Autism or Aspergers! Maybe he can do his own show
“My opinion on Barbed wire, unleavened bread, Lawrence of Arabia and films about Religion”
Because he can talk for hours on these subjects, I am serious; this man natters on about the most unbelievable mundane, uninteresting subjects and knows fucking shed loads of shit about them.
It must be hard being him -caught in the cross fire of two very sharp minded, fast talking, quick thinking females who can talk for Scotland.

The venue was heaving with people; Bar Bluu on Glasgow’s Trongate was the bar my one woman show was being held last night.
Downstairs Ashley had set up the camera and my mate Rob was coming along to make sure the filming went ok, as Ashley was doing her karaoke gig elsewhere.
There were too many people not enough seats, so I managed to get the restaurant upstairs to bring down some more seats and get everyone comfortable for the show.
The gig sold out and some people had to be turned away as we had no more room to let them in.
There was a lovely couple in their 70’s who came along to celebrate their 50 years of marriage! Their family asked them what they wanted for a gift and they asked to come see my show! How amazing is that?
So they sat in the front and we had a great laugh with them what a cool couple they were, so open minded and up for a laugh.
I did about two hours on stage, I really loved it and the show went so well, most of the stuff was unscripted some of the shorter bits I had done before, but generally it was a whole new show!
I have the film and am having it edited tonight, it will have clips go on livedigital alongside my other downloads and photos, they host it for me and it’s so cool, such a great site to be honest.
I am on BBC Radio 5 live on Monday night talking about this blog as my new show is Janey Godley’s Blog Live! and it goes to Soho Theatre before it goes to Edinburgh Fringe.
So tonight I am chilling out as its Mothers Day and I am having a rest.