I have finally got the poster designed for Square Street. That’s the sketch show my daughter Ashley and I will be performing at this year’s Edinburgh Fringe. I am amazed at the amount of people who are aghast that I am doing three shows a day, I am producing them and performing them also and I will be on for the full three weeks.
People also forget that I used to run a bar 15 hours a day for 15 years, even during pregnancy!
I am woman hear me roar!
So I have designed the posters and am now getting everything organised for our NZ trip. Though I have had a lot of help from John Fleming who does manage to keep tabs on all deadlines and manages my schedule, which is wonderful. God knows how he has patience with me, when he sends me stuff to be done and I lose it amongst all my emails then find it a day before the deadline and write it, then forget to send it! I do eventually get there though.

I know I can multi task as I was sitting in Ashley’s bathroom having a pee, during that urination I managed to wipe down the skin with a bleached sponge, organise her magazine rack and arrange tampons into the a small box in her bathroom cabinet that sits beside the toilet bowl, and take a phone call! I did remember to wipe and wash don’t worry.

I have become the woman who knows where everything is in my entire household.
It really annoys husband and Ashley, they cannot begin to open and shut drawers or cupboards if I am around as I demand they tell me what they are seeking and I can tell them where it is…this irritates them. Don’t ask me why, I would be happy to have someone like that around.

Even though I am not always living there, I still know where everything is. For example the other morning I was lying in bed half sleep and heard Ashley opening the pine dresser drawers in the living room, then another drawer and then another. I began to shout
“What are you looking for?”
She replied with anger “Nothing, I am looking for nothing…..do you hear everything?”
I shouted back “Yes, now fucking tell me what you are looking for and I will locate it”
Ashley called back exasperated, as if telling me was a problem, maybe she would rather spend more time looking for stuff? Finally she shouts
“Ok I am looking for nail clippers if you must know”

“In the white box in the double cupboard on the third shelf in the kitchen”
I sleepily call out.
Husband whispered “How do you know where everything is in this house? You don’t actually live here full time, do you know where everything is in all the places you stay?”
“Yes, I know where everything is in the world; go ask me where Osama bin laden is?” I answer.
“Ok where is he?” Husband resigns himself to taking part in my early morning humour.
“He is in the wicker box, under my wedding dress that’s beneath the curtain bag in the top shelf of the hall cupboard, behind the boiler” I add and try to go back to sleep.
Husband turns over looks at me, smiles and replies “Do you think he hears us shouting and having sex?”
At that point Ashley has come into the room, holding out nail clippers for me to do her right hand “Ewww…who hears you fighting and having sex?”
“Osama Bin Laden” Husband answers.
“Ok, you two are freaks, I have no idea what you are speaking about” She says as I sit up and clip her long pointy pinkie that resembles a cocaine dealers favourite fingernail.
“He is in the wicker basket underneath mums wedding dress in the hall cupboard” husband adds.
“Who? Osama Bin Laden? Dad shut up, mum please put him in a home, this is the kinda shit he talks when you are not here and it scares me” Ashley stares at him.
“It’s a joke” I add trying to stop my lovely daughter from stabbing her dad with nail clippers.

See I can multi- task; by the way Osama is small spider who lives in my cupboard, in case anyone was worried that I had a beardy fundamentalist Muslim sitting in a wedding dress, beside my boiler.

Being home is good, I am so glad to get into my own bed. Feels better and I slept well, I even made a few funny pics and put them on my Livedigital website.
I had such a silly situation at the NZ High Commission in London, I realised that I did not have a special document from Equity Actors Union in NZ that allows me to get a work permit. That has now been resolved and now on the day of travel to NZ (May 8th) I have to go to the NZ High Commission and pick up the permit, I know that’s cutting it a bit fine….but you know me, nothings worth doing unless we have a drama ensuing.
No doubt Ashley will be there with her camera, as I run to the place and sweat and beg to get the last minute documentation. I am such an arse for forgetting it.
Ashley and I will be attending the BAFTA TV awards the night before on the 7th of May, we will both not really be partying too hard as we do have the permit to pick up and a long haul flight to deal with.
I am not looking forward to that, she is a moany bitch when she is tired and she is tall and will not fit into the seats all that way, so if anyone is reading this and they work for BA please upgrade us?
I made a few funny satirical pictures about George Bush and posted them on my Livedigital site and the amount of patriotic US citizens that gave me hell was so funny and surprising, but I suppose there must be some supporters or he would never have got voted back in?
I have no idea what to wear to the BAFTA TV awards this year, Ashley bought a pair of high heels today, which will now make her seven foot tall! I mean she already is very tall, why she needs heels I will never know? I need stilts to make tall enough to wear any clothes that look good.
At least I have lost some weight, but my boobs are still humongous and now I look strange. I would love to be thin enough to wear a really sexy slinky black dress that clings in all the right ways, but sadly I must adhere to the - all - over – blousy- black - look- that covers me up.
Ashley told me today how she got chatted up by a cute guy, but she describes her feelings as ‘A hedgehog whose prickles come out all over and she rolls into a ball’ with embarrassment when guys talk to her, yet on stage she has the confidence of kick-boxer on speed. So strange, yet so normal I suppose.
I did a gig in London last week, after I came off people chatted to me and I get ever so uncomfortable with strangers especially after I come off stage, this one woman tried to talk to me and I mumbled something and she then said loudly “You are so rude, I was telling you how good you were and you just ignore me, you are a pompous bitch stuck up your own ass”
I was horrified and tried to explain that I am shy with complete strangers but as there was no where else to go I was thrust into the audience and had to talk to people. I would rather meet them outside comedy and then I can chat ok, its hard to explain but I must come across as really off - hand and difficult or a real prima donna, which I am not. I can talk for Britain, but not with audience members after a gig for some odd reason.
In suppose I don’t really have confidence at all, all I have is a stage persona that’s bigger and more confident than my own personality.
I am sorry this blog is a day behind but I have been so lazy. Thanks all

Yes I am…I cannot wait either. I have missed Ashley’s birthday and my husbands cooking…and love -I suppose. I had a good gig last night, Jongleurs went well, Bristol is nice and I got some nice comments from people who have lived in Bristol telling me interesting places to visit when I am here so thanks all!
I listened to ONE WORD radio show this morning, I was on talking about ‘My Life in Books’ it really was good fun and I love doing radio shows, well I do have the face for it.
On another subject I am losing weight steadily now and I need to go buy jeans today as I can no longer hold these one up, the ass part is falling down and I look like one of those wee black gangsta’ rap kids showing off my knickers except I am 45 and my lacy black ladies knickers are ludicrous being on display!
I got a lovely write up in the METRO Bristol, am looking forward to coming back here, but will certainly move to another hotel.
My stress levels are down as my posters and ad for Fringe have beaten the deadline, I just have the Square Street poster to design and that’s almost done. Square Street is the sketch show Ashley and I are doing together, I think a mother/daughter sketch show will be fun at the Fringe and I am so excited.
Ashley performed at the Fringe in her own comedy show in 1999 when she was 13-years-old; she was in fact the youngest EVER to have her own show in the history of the Fringe!
Now she is going back a woman, fully grown and ready to have fun.
I cannot wait….

The architecture here in Bristol is absolutely breath taking and I said so to the driver who was taking me to the BBC this morning for a radio interview, after a sleepless night of which I will tell you later, I was gazing at the most stunning tall houses, with ornate balconies and intricate stone gargoyles and the driver told me that whole city was built on the ‘Slave Trade’ money of past centuries! There was even ‘White Lady Street’!
So maybe I was apprehensive about staring at them now and enjoying them as I imagined all those poor African’s being dragged from their beautiful sun kissed lands and being sold to build White Lady Street.
How awful?
I suppose that’s the Empire for you, the sun may never have set on the Empire but the shame did.

So to tell you more about last night, I got a call from husband telling me there was an important email from NZ and so I grabbed my laptop and headed off into the night streets of Bristol trying to find any where that had WI/FI, but there was literally no place to be found, honestly, I was walking about the wee winding streets clutching a silver laptop waiting to be mugged!
I was so fucked off and angry I stomped back to the smelly room and tried to sleep.
Which brings me neatly to the sleepless night, I hear you thinking…Oh no Janey not a nightmare story…No... It was noise, fucking irrepressible noise that did it. Firstly, the hotel walls are made of papier-mâché, the room smells like old ladies pants and the room overlooks a city street, never mind that the room is also so small it would make Ann Franks house look like a Palace.
Then to top it all at 5am a shop alarm went off, I lay there silently hoping I could turn into our Scottish Lord Watson and just set fire to the place. (Lord Watson is a Scottish MP who is in prison for wilfully setting fire to hotel curtains, maybe he was pissed off it had no broadband and was noisy?).
Then I finally fell back asleep only to hear a pecking noise at the window, I got out of bed and there in the sunny day break was a smelly arrogant pigeon pecking at my window! Who the fuck lived here before? Mary Poppins?
I opened the window… (As if it would actually tell me what it wanted, I looked at it with anticipation). It simply cocked its bird flu head and flew off…even the pigeons are here to irritate me!
Today I wandered the city, which honestly is really beautiful and so trendy YET no one had wi/fi…I was beginning to feel that anger creeping back into my blood stream, even the BIG internet centre had no wireless connection!
I finally gave up and felt so low and desperately frayed, then I spotted a guy in a café with his laptop, I rushed to him excited the way Dr Watson must have greeted David Livingstone in the dark jungle and blurted out “Do you know where I can get wireless connection? Do you get it here?”
He told me there was a great place called the Watershed down on the water front that does woderful food and free wireless….so here I am and they DO!
I love this place….still hate the slave thing but I love the watershed in Bristol.

I was out a bit too late last night. I was celebrating Brendon Burns’ birthday; the lovely and lively Aussie comic has the same birthday as my sparky daughter. Brendon is a good mate and he had a good old bunch of mates in the rib joint in Soho last night, sitting around enjoying his company. I ate so much meat I almost had a heart attack.
As if that wasn’t enough excitement, this morning as I headed with luggage and belongings to the NZ High Commission to get my work permit that I forgot to get before I leave London (I am old and very forgetful), I passed three Arab looking dressed men outside a café and as I lugged my huge case along the streets of London, they smiled and muttered something to me.
Stupidly and I mean Fucking stupidly I stopped and asked him what he said as I thought it was rude of me to ignore what the man in the white robe said to me.
His dark eyes flashed, he rubbed his moustache and smiled then said “My friend wants to finger you”.
I stood there for a second, all hot harassed and sweaty and looked at him, they all laughed and hissed at me!
I let my case rest on my leg as I put up one finger and replied
“You mean finger me the way your mother fingers Allah?”

That wasn’t what he expected back I suppose, but then he never considered checking who he was insulting…certainly never anticipated an angry tired Scottish shouty woman who laughed loudly at her own retort!

The three men shouted and caused a big situation; one stood up and screamed at me as I was getting my case into roller mode to walk away
“You must never take Allah’s name in vain, how dare you!”

“Well mate you insult me, I insult your God, trust me I do it with Catholics, Jews, in fact any religion…I am not fussed, you annoy me I hurt you back, I am Scottish that’s what I do, now get fucked and take your big misogynist face out of my way or I will tell you how I think Allah is gay”

I left them shouting at me as I laughed loudly all the way to the NZ High Commission building to plead quick passage to my favourite country in May.

I got on the train to Bristol, it’s about two hours away from London, I am here for three nights working at Jongleurs Comedy Club. The four star Thistle Hotel in Bristol does not have broadband internet! I have to dial up some shitty number and pay something like a pound a minute for internet! How shit is that? I am so fucking sick of big hotels that charge expensive rates for shit landline charges on the web! I mean their internet is more expensive than a flight to LA fist class pound for pound!
I hate that, when are big hotels going to suss that business people will start leaving their hotels in search of some places where they can access the web?

So here I am three days away from home, I cannot wait to get there and thank husband for driving all the way to Edinburgh and hand delivering my adverts safely to the Fringe Brochure people to beat the deadline tomorrow night. Thanks big guy…I love you.