The comedy show here in Auckland has sold out the entire season, so we have added another show. On Saturday 10^th May there is an extra show added at The Classic Basement at 5.30pm. These tickets are also selling well, so am excited!

 

This morning I got woke up early in the hotel as the housemaid was possibly recreating her own violent life by banging the beds around in the room next to mine. The vacuum was battered off the furniture and my bed moved as she slammed the bed next door into the wall and jarred me from my sleep. I ran through there in my night clothes and asked her to keep the noise and the slamming down to a minimum as I am trying to get some shut eye!

 

The whole room looked like a tornado has hit it. Maybe she was having a bad day? But why did I have to suffer as a result?

 

The other strange thing about this amazing hotel is, in the lobby and on all of the hall way floors Whitney Houston is blared out loudly and as I sit here and type I can hear ‘Where Do Lonely Hearts Go?” quite clearly. This is EVERY day, who does that shit?

 

I just called down to reception and requested some Steely Dan or Bob Seger, because if there is a DJ in house who insists we listen to piped music loudly then we as guests should get to choose the songs. Whitney Houston can kiss my ass.

 

I am going swimming today; the hotel has a lovely indoor and outdoor pool. I am going to check the weather to see which place I go for a dip!

 

Speak soon.

This is my last week in Auckland and I am on the home straight, about five more days to go!

 

I have had such a fab time here and I do love NZ more than I can say, though a break from the torrential rain would be nice. I managed to get a really good quality webcam on my laptop and have been trying to chat to my mates on it, but they all seem aghast at my funny dancing and waving. Maybe that novelty will wear off soon?

 

I went shopping today in Ponsonby, which is quite nice, but never bought any clothes. I never see stuff that looks good for me. I have the dress sense of an angry teenage lesbian in her ‘sad unsure phase’. Less sexy-more practical and drab.

 

If only I could dress pretty? But I only dress for comfort nowadays. The thought of stropping about in high heels just to go shopping makes me want to drink bleach.

I don’t understand the logic in that anymore, though I did when I was in my 20s. I would easily slip on some heels and take Ashley a walk into town, what the fuck was I thinking? No wonder my knees hurt at this age.

 

My show is selling out fantastically and I am so happy the reviews are all positive.

 

The comics here in NZ are such a great supportive bunch of people that I will truly miss them when I go.

 

Though I can’t wait to see husband and Ashley next week. I need their big hugs.

I know I am 47 years old, but I never knew how everyone else in the world would feel about that and guess what? I am officially very old. I think I am the oldest performer at this Comedy Festival in NZ.

 

All the young comics are so lovely but some of them do treat me as an elderly woman and this shocks me to the core.

For instance, I was chatting to one young guy and he was explaining how he has so much body hair that he has to wax it off as women find it off putting. I then added to this chit chat “I only occasionally shave my arm pits if they get really feral” to which he replied “Yes Janey, but you are really old, it doesn’t matter with you”

 

I sat there agog at this observation. What do I do now? Take off my make up and start NOT wearing a bra? Should I give up the long war against my grey roots? Will I just let my tufty hair become white and start knitting bootees for poor kids in Africa and gather cats on my lap?

 

I am now aware that my gentle flirting might be deemed creepy. Are young boys scared of the old lady who chats to them in late night comedy bars? Has all my sexuality drained out of my saggy body?

 

I am still fertile; I can bear kids if I want. I can scrub up quite well when I put in the effort.

I know I no longer get second glances from the hot boys, that stuff stopped in 1990, but surely I am not confined to the middle aged car boot sale set yet? There is life in this old dog.

 

How do I regain my female sexuality at 47 years old and still feel needed and wanted within?

 

I feel about 20 inside my head. I don’t see myself as an aged woman, when did this all happen?

 

All this is corrected in one giant leap, as husband still finds me incredibly attractive, but what happens when even he starts to see the old woman who creaks when she bends?

 

I am disconcerted and discombobulated today. I need a hug.

Last week I flew to New Zealand via Hong Kong and am on tour till mid May at the New Zealand International Comedy Festival. Packing suitcases has become my speciality.

 

The women’s magazines tell you how to take a ‘capsule wardrobe’ where a few items can make seventeen outfits! A shirt can be tied around the waist to resemble a skirt, a scarf can be worn many different ways and nothing beats a little black dress.

 

All of that is great advice if you are a size 0 and never sweat.

 

I am a curvy size 16 and, believe me, there are no shirts invented that can wrap around my big bum and would make me look anything other than post-hostage/ pre-mental patient.

 

The best thing to do is to take everything you own and roll it up tight.

 

If in doubt, dump everything when you get there and buy new stuff in your destination country. Especially when the pound is so strong against the NZ dollar!

 

Wellington city is just beautiful; the people are extremely laid back and very polite, if not slightly eccentric.

 

They have a local homeless bloke called ‘Blanket Man’ who sits around the streets naked but for a woolly cover. He has huge thick dreadlocks, likes a beer and sings a lot.

 

I chatted to him when I was there and asked him if he minded that people called him ‘Blanket Man’ and he said, “Yes I do because, technically, I should be ‘Naked Man’ and yet the blanket gets all the attention.”

 

He wrapped his cover tight around him and showed me some of the city’s sights.

 

Blanket man told me that the parliament building is called The Bee Hive.

 

When I first heard this information in his Kiwi accent, it sounded like he said to me: “Our Government gets together ‘n’ behave.”

 

 

Last night I was staying in a very nice hotel for one night on Waiheke Island.

 

The place was awesome but very quiet. It was literally in the middle of nowhere.

 

I lay in my room getting ready for a radio show and all I could hear was…nothing.

Honestly, I could not hear a single noise and I have never had that level of silence in my life. The quietness was frightening.

 

Then I heard a buzzing sound in my ears. I thought it might be tinnitus. I was unaware that I suffered from the dreadful condition.

 

I made an appointment with a doctor when I arrived in Auckland today, but when I hit the city, the noise disappeared.

 

I don’t have tinnitus. I realised that I have just never had peace and quiet in my life and, when faced with it, I mistook it for an illness!

Well I am sorry I took so long to blog. I have been rather busy. My show opened three nights ago and it’s all great. I have had three wonderful reviews and that’s just perfect.

 

The weather is horrendous; it’s really muggy and damp and keeps raining buckets. I have been soaked twice. The shows are just going fine and I love meeting up with loads of lovely comics from all around the globe.

 

Last night in the front row of the late show at The Classic there was a girl who went to school with my daughter back in Glasgow….how crazy is that?

 

She shouted out that she was in the year above Ashley and I fell about laughing. It really is a small world.

 

I have been quite stressed trying to get everything done as I have to book shows into my diary, write my Scotsman column and keep on top of all the shows and media that I do. So sleep is good.

 

I miss my husband and Ashley. I love travelling but ultimately I spend more time away from them than I do with them and that eventually gets to you. I didn’t expect to be this age and spend so much time being lonely. I do get share my thoughts with crowds of people at night, but it’s not the same as curling up on the sofa with Ashley and husband.

 

It won’t be long till I get home and get to be with them.

 

Today I am doing Comedy for Kids and that will be a challenge if nothing else.

 

I hope it all goes well.

 

Janey