I have clearly forgotten what day I am on! The Fringe does that to you.
Ashley and I love Square Street, the sketch show that she wrote and I am pissing myself with excitement at the reviews! So far we have had eight reviews covering all three shows and seven have got four stars! WHOOPPEEEEE.
Ashley plays a special needs person in the sketch show in one the many skits we do and I play her carer, last night two special needs people with their carers came to see it and Ashley and I almost died! I have to say I clenched EVERYTHING in my body that was clench able, as soon as Ashley entered the stage dressed with the huge glasses that have a ‘lazy eye’ patch over one lens and her bulky collection of strange key rings around her neck, one of the special needs people made a big ‘Moooooooooo’ noise.
I looked at Ashley, she looked at me and we both almost combusted, the audience held its breath, Ashley turned to me and said “Don’t laugh at my livestock, I keep them in my kitchen” and pointed off stage.
The whole place fell apart laughing, including the carers and the people they were with.
It was a lovely feeling to be able to be vindicated and our sketch was justified in its content. The carers told us they loved the show and identified with it. That is an awesome compliment.
My play up at Assembly is called Point of Yes and it’s getting rave reviews! I am so chuffed with that, I have always wanted to do a straight play, which I had written and performed and you have no idea how cool it is to stand on that stage every day and perform it.
Yesterday I passed those scary painted statues on the Royal Mile and felt that dreadful urge to go push them over…..how passive/aggressive is that?
I mean what the fuck are they doing? There are squillions of statues in Edinburgh, real ones, good ones….why do they do that shite and cause the pavements to get congested? Why do people stand and stare at them? If you give money to people for standing still for ages then the Big Issue sellers have missed out on a new marketing technique. Drunks that sleep on the pavement should be paid.
Today I am up early, I am nervous about my spot on ‘Just a Minute’ on BBC Radio 4.
What if I cannot talk? What if hundreds of words come out of my mouth and none of the words make sense? What if Paul Merton gets up forcibly throws me out on my ear?
I am scared but excited.

I have had enough rambling about venues, reviews, performances and all that other crap that makes me smile when I am bored. Here is the low-down. I am fucking so laughing at myself for even attempting to bring along nice clothes, high heel sandals, and fresh new make up. I have no time to wear anything other than last night’s knickers and eat salad that is leaking out of a plastic bowl into my handbag that has left my purse smelling of coleslaw.
I run to The Assembly Rooms to perform my play -constantly stripping down to my tatty bra in front of a smiling gruff Mike Wilmot who balks every time.
He is in Rich Halls play Levelland and we share a dressing room, no matter how many times I try to time the tatty bra strip, poor Mike catches sight of my flabby belly and huge boobs…poor man must on stage traumatised.
I then manage to wipe off some of the sweat of playing a drug addict and rush down to the Underbelly whilst munching on a salad bowl from my dirty handbag (how nice is that?) then I get on stage and let Ashley take the piss out of me for a whole hour, she even drags me around that stage by the ankles!
I then run outside, grab a fag and munch more salad or even lick the side of my purse as it has some coleslaw on it and run upstairs to the Underbelly and perform my show Janey Godley’s Blog Live!
Then I drag my sad smelly sweat stained ass, yesterdays knickers, coleslaw smeared face and run home to finally shower and promise myself a clean pair of knickers for tomorrow. Then I may run off and do late night gigs, eyes hollow, make up gone and a strange mixture of salad and sweat STILL reeking off my clothes.
Where and when was I planning to wear a clean white linen dress and cork heeled wedges? Where was I going to find time to blow dry my hair?
You know what; I don’t even get to sleep properly -the noise from Fishmarkets Close is fucking un-bearable, people scream, gulls cry, all night long we have fucking tours- literally tours, murder tours ( I could fucking arrange that soon).
You know what? I LOVE IT….all of it.
I love being here, I love getting on stage – I love the smell….I am not sure about the stinky knickers, but if you see me running with tufty knotted hair, smelly arm pits and munching limp salad…smile and know that I am having a great time.

I know I am a slacker, I have been neglecting me blog badly!

Last night on the way home from a gig up at Bristo Square Ashley and I came across the same wee drunk man who sits near our flat.
He is still saying “Arrgyaddacabbageyuklaucktjsfjh”

Fuck knows what it means.

Ashley went through to Uni yesterday to sit an exam, so if you see her give her a hug, she deserves it.

I was reading in the news all about the new threat of liquid bombs on flights and wondered how long it will be before the scary ANGRY militant Muslims ( I say this as it is politically incorrect to say Muslims in general, and quite rightly so, but to be honest I should be allowed to say Angry Militant Muslims …though this also causes consternation, but I think we all know that it isn’t the ANTI-FUR brigade, because it isn’t them- strangely enough we have to all accept it is a crazy Muslim related group of people that are doing this shit, that’s not me being politically deviant I am just telling it how it is)
Anyway I wonder how long it will be before they start inserting exploding tampax into their bodies. That would be hard to find and easy to hide. I hope that hasn’t given anyone ideas.

I have a sore leg, because my daughter Ashley has written a new scene into the Sketch Show Square Street where she makes me break dance, well to be honest she just drags me around the stage by the ankle. I am so sore.

I have had great reviews for which I am grateful….five reviews, all of them FOUR stars except the Chortle review.

Mind you Steve is always the voice of reason and I respect that though I do wish he had reviewed my autobiography. He has had the book a year and it only has been released on paperback five days and already made it to the Sunday Times Top Ten Best Sellers!
Come on Steve….its becoming strange that you haven’t reviewed it- people will say we are in Love and you don’t want that rumour…it will kill your street cred! LOL

I am pissing myself laughing but with politeness at the Theatre Review from Broadway Baby…they gave me FOUR stars for my play Point of Yes, but the review said three times that I was discussing HEROINE as opposed to HEROIN!
Yes, my character is obsessed with Grace Darling and Florence Nightingale, fuck drugs, and get into women who braved the elements and disease!

Ashley and I had a great show at Moovers and Shakers, a variety bill at the big upside-down cow in Bristo Square. It was really cool to have a really big crowd laugh at the sketches, although Ashley did take the piss out of me continually and make sure everyone there saw my ‘flabby bingo wings’ …she is a bitch.

I have been getting great comments on my website guest book from fellow comics all supporting me and it really warms my soul to see so many people in this business actually send kind words to each other in this frantic madness of Edinburgh…so thanks to all who did.
I love that you took the time to go to my website….Karma will come right back at you in heaps, and boy! do you deserve that. XXX hugs and kisses!

I am appalled at my lack of socialising skills, every night I am in bed by 10pm!
Today I got up and had to go do a radio show about my Blog Live! Show which incidentally got FOUR STARS in the List! WOW!
That’s two sets of FOUR stars we had got since arriving, because Square Street the sketch show I do with my daughter also got a four star review!
The only down side of living off the High Street is the fucking noise…it is mental. Every night - people stumble past drunk, shouting loudly and EVERY night someone sits beneath our window and moans as if being beaten to death with a lead pipe. What the fuck is that about?
I now wear ear plugs to bed. That’s sad.
Husband is making me mental, he sits around half naked eating the contents of the fridge and complains about the strange hours we are keeping, the too-ing and fro-ing that Ashley and I get up to….what did he think was going to happen? I am doing THREE shows a day, I am not a normal person, if he wanted normal he should have married a housewife!
I reckon after 27 years of marriage, I should be allowed a day off to go have sex with my man of choice. Why can this NOT happen? Surely marriage should work on a points system …like Air-miles or a loyalty card? I get to be faithful and kind for so many years then I am allowed to fuck a stranger of my choice, or even like a supermarket system where I get two for the price of one? I want that to happen.

I must be grumpy in my old age; this morning as I stepped out of the shower, I heard my door being knocked. I wrapped a towel around me and opened the door to see fourteen young Korean girls all dressed exactly the same, with the same hair style and same round glasses. I thought for a horrified moment this was a strange Fringe show that went round the houses, knocking and performing!
“We are so solly” they all chimed.
“What the fuck is this?” I screamed at them, annoyed that I am dripping and cold at my door.
“You are not our teacher” One girl blurted out.
“No I am fucking not, now piss off and use your combined brains to work out which door to knock on and don’t come back here, I lash out at strangers” I snapped back.
I am cruel.

So the sun is out, the rain came on, and then the sun came back out…typical Edinburgh weather. I am off to relax.

Sorry I went a day without blogging, I was so fucked up and busy you have no idea how mental it’s been. Ashley and I went on the wonderfully funny Paul Provenzas Talk of the Fest show.
It really is just a late night talk show that includes guest comics who talk about comedy from a ‘backstage’ premise yet in front of an audience. I wore a nice dress with dark tights but no knickers, as I hate wearing underwear and thick tights. I didn’t know that as I sat on the raised stage, stupidly opened my legs and had the strong stage lights shine up, that the film crew actually got a Basic Instinct shot! My cervix was probably on view! How embarrassing!
Ashley is still traumatised by the whole event and refuses to even talk about it, even funnily!
Tonight we had great fun on the sketch show, Ashley wrote a new sketch where she makes me break dance and grabs my ankles and spins me on the floor! That’s all I need…to be dragged around a manky floor in a fringe venue!
I love doing all three shows and have been getting early nights.
I am not really exhausted, I am just pacing myself.
I got really good news, my paperback book Handstands in the Dark has just went into the Sunday Times Top Ten best sellers list! How cool is that?
I am so proud and happy.