For those who don’t know, my husband has mild Aspergers Syndrome. Since travelling with me the last few days, he is so mental he makes Rain Man look like Al Gore….he is driving me to madness. Since we have been in this flat in London he has moved around the furniture, colour co-ordinated my clothes and re arranged my toiletries, I have Tampons all in a small box, lined up pointy ends facing out.
I was sitting writing this blog and he managed to move sofa’s about and slide tables around as I sat still. It was like that scene from Amityville Horror, I looked round and there were chairs stacked on top of each other on a small occasional table!
I was just about to go into the Groucho Club for a quick pre gig drink when he called me “Janey, when will you be home?”

Me-“I don’t know, I may stay out late”

Husband - “Do you have an estimated time of arrival?”

Me – “No. Why?”

Husband- “Its just I want have supper all ready for you”

Me-“It’s a fucking salad, there is no cooking, you can have it ready when I get there”

Husband- “Do you want a bacon roll for breakfast?”

Me (exasperated) - “I don’t know yet as its just 8pm, I have no idea what I want at 8am”

Husband- “Well if you want bacon I can put it at the front of the fridge and when I open the door it will be nearest to hand in the morning”

Me (now convinced he needs to die) -“Are you that bloke from ‘Sleeping with the Enemy?’ Am I going to have to dye my hair and fake my own death?”

Husband (completely unperturbed)- “So that’s a yes to the bacon?”

It’s been like this for days now. He constantly needs to know everything I may want in the next fourteen hours so he can get it prepared in advance. I am so used to travelling on my own I am not used to someone asking me what I want to eat next Tuesday.

To top it all, I woke up this morning with a big knotted elastic band in my bushy hair, I could not work out why my hair looked like a special needs person, husband saw me trying to unravel it, he smiled smugly and said “Last night your hair touched my face so I got up and tied it into a pony tail as you slept, that why you have a strange side bunch”

That man is re arranging my hair in my sleep that is grounds for divorce.

Today I also have a nasty head cold, it makes me feel ill. I have snotty stuff coming out of my beak and I want to remove the bowling ball from my brain!

So in between all the dashing through the night in cars/planes and taxi’s I am finally in London. Brechin was awesome, Manchester was amazing….I am so pleased that the gigs went well. I even managed to meet up with people who check the blog and have read my book! That’s an amazing feeling…trust me.
I am currently practising singing for my live TV appearance on BBC for Children in Need… I am not a Madonna, well she isn’t really a good singer either but I wish I was better.
On Sunday past my very first own column went in the Sunday Herald Newspaper Magazine! I was so chuffed to see it and you have no idea how proud my father is, he loves that I write for a newspaper, you see comedy is great but JOURNALISM is worthy. I wrote about Sacha Baron Cohen, his latest film and the validity of offensive comedy. You can see it on my website.
The flat here in London is wonderful, we have a huge two bedroom flat with a balcony, and it is so central.
I love the people at Crown Lawn, and they are my fairy Godmothers!

I must tell you about Brechin, it is a Cathedral town. It’s a very cute wee place just beyond Dundee.
I went to see the ancient Cathedral, it was built in 9AD originally and like all Catholic chapels, it became a Church Of Scotland after the reformation, not that you need to read that on any tourist documentation, the crucifix above the tower door had Jesus’ head hacked off and that always gives a good indication on the religious persuasion of any building. Protestants are not big with religious imagery…That makes me giggle.

The people were lovely and very welcoming and the area surrounding is just beautiful at this time of year. Those trees that are turning golden brown, burnt sienna, russet, copper red and dark burgundy would give New England in the US a run for its money!
The sun shining through the crisp leaves is breath taking. I was speechless, we often forget how lovely and scenic Scotland is and take that surrounding beauty for granted. Come to Scotland at this time of year and be wowed!
Castles, monuments, Roman Ruins, eye popping mountains….the list goes on.

So I am getting ready to do my gigs here in Old London Town, I do love it here and have brought along my video camera and hope to do a video blog here.
I will keep you all posted on my singing progress, don’t expect too much though!

Only I can get myself into a big state in two whole days. Here is the story, flew to London on Wednesday, went to the most amazing flat organised by Crown lawn as usual (they are immense people and their apartments are awesome). The only problem was- I was as exhausted as I hadn’t slept the night before, so on landing and packing I went to bed.
Monica my best mate called to take me out to dinner in of the fancy restaurants that she does PR for. So I did finally get up and drag my sorry ass to go eat the best food in the world and have the best ever company to eat it with.
Finally at midnight I staggered home, slightly tired and slightly tipsy (I had two glasses of wine which technically to me is a binge drink as I am a lightweight). “Hello I am off to bed” I told husband who had been sitting in the Westminster flat whilst I was out.
Fell fast asleep (how sexy is that? Husband lay there in the dark wondering why his wife is 106 years old).
In the morning I was all dazed and confused as I had horrific nightmares again but I was aware the house phone had rung and could hear husband chatting.
Who knows this number? Who the fuck is he speaking to? I tried to get my foggy head to work.
“Janey we need to vacate this flat, Crown Lawn people called the owner of this flat is coming in today as there has been an accident in his family and he is flying back into UK today, we have to move flats as soon as possible” He said as he started shoving clothes into a suitcase.

We live in these serviced flats when I come to London and get a different one each time (which I love, so exciting). I got up but my head was gluey and wouldn’t function, I was still suffering from the effects of the nightmare and couldn’t orientate myself at all.
The other flat was very local but I had never been there before, I was hauling a case up the stairs when my phone rang.
“Janey can you write a guest column for our newspaper this week?” a journalist spoke “The only problem is the deadline in Friday 5pm”

“Yes, no worries” I said as I took the details. It’s a wonderful broad sheet newspaper, but my brain was still full of half baked cookie dough and dead babies….trying to locate a flat, with keys that don’t fit any door, a pen that can’t write and trying to take the spec for a job that has a last minute deadline!
Husband managed to unpack the case and connect to the web (I do love that man, but apparently I was like a wolverine in that moment he told me later). I fell into another new bed in another new flat- I slept and slept, blood running down my legs, my eyes blind, my fingers sore with dragging them against a wooden door I didn’t recognise….dreams that kill your soul.

I awoke at 5pm as I had to rehearse a song I am singing on TV for BBC Children in Need show, trust me it’s a fucking nightmare I am not a great singer and need to get these words down into my head! Then I realised I had left my IPod in the other flat, I had to call Crown Lawn to locate it for me (which they did), I also left a tee shirt and possibly a pair of knickers …oh dear….

I was doing the presentation at the Emma Humphrey Awards at 7pm. It’s a wonderful event to celebrate the work done by women who fight against male violence and work in the health and voluntary sector. Loads of women who help protect prostitutes from Eastern Europe who are enslaved through crime lords, women who help stop female genital circumcision, women who work with the Muslim community who help ensure equality for the females …I mean the list goes on…so inspirational.

I was doing comedy there and was so worried that my outspoken politically incorrect attitude would offend some of them BUT they were an amazing bunch….even when I did mange to mention letting Victoria Beckham starve herself to death as she is a bad example to young women with her skeletal frame (the room went quiet, these people deal with anorexics and self harmers) they did LAUGH….and make me feel welcome. I was so touched by the sheer enthusiasm of the women in that room, it was inspiring to say the least.

When I got home I was too tired to write that article so I just wrote a quick outline of it and fell asleep, safe in the knowledge that as I flew home today I could finish it (today is Friday deadline day) my plane lands at 2pm and I will home at 2.30pm at the latest.
My flight was delayed, my laptop refused to connect to the web in the airport. I started to sweat….fuck I am going to miss the deadline…..the plane eventually took off….still delayed….we landed in Glasgow at 3.30pm…..shit my deadline is 5pm that is not giving me much time to get it done.

The motorway was blocked, I was still sitting in a taxi on the road at 4.20 pm….I called the journalist and she extended my deadline to 6pm!
So I got home wrote fast and emailed! Hurrah! The article is home and dry!

I am off to Brechin near Dundee tomorrow to do comedy then after that we drive to Manchester for Sunday night, perform there at Laughing Cows show and then drive back to Glasgow Sunday through the night to FLY to LONDON on Monday afternoon for two weeks of London work!

I am a wee bit stressed. In my hall is three different cases, one for Dundee, one for Manchester and a big one for London. I am taking husband on the tour…prepare for divorce!

Scotswoman of the Year was won by ANNA DOMINICZAK, a Polish professor who works and lives in Glasgow and has made amazing progress with heart related disease. She has also been awarded an OBE in UK. She is a beautifully well dressed, well travelled and well educated woman who fought to get a heart unit come to Glasgow which is the ‘The Heart Disease Capital of Europe’

If you ask me who I think should have won (I am allowed my opinion!) I would have loved to have seen a wee battling woman called Helen who was also a finalist pick up that award.
She works tirelessly with drug addicts in an severely under funded area in Dumbarton, she gives up hours of her spare time to offer love and help to people who have been ravaged by the drug that has wiped out a generation of young people in that part of the world. She isn’t well educated, nor is she dressed in the best of clothes, she has a face that looks like it has seen too many dark nights and if I needed a woman on my side, it would be her.

I am not taking anything away from the good Doctor, but I am known for speaking my mind and my heart sank when I saw heard her name announced.
I watched the wee woman Helen applauding the Doctor and I wished I could turn back time and give her the £5000 charity money. I wished she’d won it.

I have never and probably will never devote my life to charity and be that hands on with people whom society normally shun and help to that extent with a problem that will never be fashionable, drugs are seen to be a symptom of weak people who harm themselves.
Helen was never taught how to do the job she does, she just gets on with it.

Tonight Helen McKenzie you are my Scotswoman of the Year, the majority of the people I spoke to agreed when we all chatted outside, you work hard and with no pay and will probably never get an OBE, Bless your wee Scottish heart, you are an example to every one of us.

I am sitting here with tufty squirrel hair, but my hair appointment is very soon, I have a big fat spot on my chin, I have the period from hell but I will go to the ball tonight.
It is the Scotswoman of the Year final dinner award at 6.30pm and I am not sure what I am wearing.

I couldn’t sleep last night with excitement, I finally drifted off at 8am this morning and woke up panicked after midday, dreaming I had slept through the whole day and missed it!
Husband was awake also and said to me this morning in bed at about 5am “If you had a chance to do that ‘Peggy Sue Got Married’ thing would you do it?”

I lay there, my brain all fuggy and said “What then the fuck are you talking about?”

“You know, if you woke up tomorrow, came out of the shower and it was 1980 and you were about to marry me and knew everything that had happened since then, and had the power to change it all -would you still do it all the same and marry me?” He answered.

I lay there for a few seconds and fifteen million images flew through my head, me in a white cheap dress standing at the alter, me crying in the back shop of that pub we owned, me running the streets of the Calton where I used to live in my bare feet to get away from him, me holding Ashley moments after she was born, me pretending to be fine as I served customers, me screaming at him to leave me alone, me sitting in a police cell after the police found the guns and weapons in his fathers house and we got charged for it….the images were like one of those fast digital galleries…all flashing and fearful.

“No, I wouldn’t, but I hope I still get to have Ashley” I said succinctly.

“Ok so tomorrow you wake up and get to be nineteen again and your life goes your way” He giggled.

“Why? Mr McFly, Have you always had some freaky power that can turn back time and you chose today to use it?” I hissed.

“Yes, I do I could always alter the time barrier, but I hid my power from you, are you serious Janey? You wouldn’t do it all again?” He sounded hurt.

“Probably not, I wouldn’t want to live that life all over again would you?” I spoke.

“Yes I would” He said.

So I got up this morning and I am still 45, yet again he lied. I hate it when people pretend to have secret powers and they don’t actually have them.
I stood in front of the mirror and looked at my giant bushy head, saggy skin and south bound breasts.

“I am still 45, where is my lovely tight nineteen year old ass and pert boobs?” I asked him.

“You haven’t had a shower yet, it happens when you come out of the shower” He giggled.

I am off to have a shower; I will let you all know in 25 years time if I did get to go to USA and discover 50 Cent and prematurely kill George Bush in the early 80’s. I will tell you all my tales of how I was there the night Oasis played that famous Glasgow gig and I singed them to MY record company, how I sex with Tony Blair in 1981 and exposed him as a drug dealer therefore fucking up his political career, how I made George Michael love me and become straight (I still love him) how I chatted to Freddie Mercury all night and stopped him sleeping with a strange guy who looked like he had a disease, how I went to NY in 1980 and punched a guy who drew a gun on John Lennon and most of all, how I convinced my mammy to leave the guy who we all knew would kill her…..and this time she listened!

So there we have it, if I don’t go back in time today I will go the Scotswoman of the Year party tonight…..maybe there is time to change the world?

Love ya Janey