I met up with an old pal called Big Betty. I knew her from my pub days and she is a right funny character. She asked me all about my work in comedy and loved chatting about my autobiography as she recalled all the incidents in my past.
I decided to open up my laptop and show her some of my sketches, the one she requested is the short film on You Tube of Ashley and I performing the skit about Ashley being ‘Special Needs’ girl.
As we were watching the sketch it slowly dawned on me that she had a Downs Syndrome cousin and I started to feel awfully odd….she simply pursed her lips and looked me in the eye and said

“I really don’t approve of this you know my cousin Sally had special needs, I am offended at this, and she never asked to be born that way”

I paused and replied “Actually Ashley did this sketch because when she went to the local kids club, she always recalled how Sally would beat her up for crayons, Sally was 28 years of age and Ashley was 3 years old, she told me that she always had to take the crap and no one would help her, so she figured that there was comedy in the manipulation that Sally wielded on her”

Big Betty agreed…slightly and smiled through gritted teeth.

The conversation continued and Big Betty decided to tell me how she lives downstairs from “Three Darkies from Nigeria, and that the Paki’s who work with her really smell funny and stink” I gasped at the sheer amount of political incorrectness spilling from her wee funny mouth and shuddered.

“I find that kind of talk offensive, I have a relative who is half Indian and funnily enough he never asked to be born that way either, although he is very happy and we would never change the way he is” I snapped at her.

She burst out laughing as did I and she said “well we are both right, I suppose Sally is retarded and your relative is a Paki”

“Both of us are wrong actually” I said.

I cannot believe that I actually went into town on a fucking Saturday this near to Christmas with a ten year old boy. My nephew Shaun and I had to keep each other company as his mother went for his ‘Santa gifts’.

Shaun explained that he knew Santa wasn’t real and that his mum buys the presents. I smiled and we grabbed each others hand and raced off to the big fancy shop called Fraser’s in Buchanan Street. It has been a department store in Glasgow for a century and the blond sandstone building is architecturally awesome, huge pillars on the inside and out, stone sculptures hanging off the top façade….so wonderful.

We followed the colourful toy floor stickers that trail at the start of the store entrance and headed up the big cherry wooden staircase decked in the most beautiful decorations I have seen this year. Shaun gasped at the hanging toys from the ceiling and raced up the steps till he reached the top TOY department.

He quickly headed for the ‘Boys Toys’ section and I could hear him yell ‘Awesome’ at the top of his voice when he came upon the massive robotic dinosaur that was being demonstrated. We browsed the area and discussed various games and computer stuff that was all out for display. I bought him a small James Bond car with working ejector seat, he was so happy and clutched it to his chest as we made our way out of the store.

Shaun being polite held the massive wooden and glass exit door ajar to let some ladies enter and they all smiled and thanked him, then a lady in a fur coat stropped past him without even a glance or word of thanks as he struggled to keep the heavy door open.
An elderly woman in a formidable looking trench coat and boots barked at the woman who brushed past Shaun and shouted in the posh-est Scottish voice I have ever heard “Excuse me madam, but if you thank children and appreciate them for being polite, it breeds encouragement and praise, your manners are dreadful” The fur lady turned on her heels and looked at the trench-coated lady and then at Shaun.

Shaun stared up at the fur coated lady through his wee spectacles; he smiled at her and the furry woman just walked off in a huge strop.
The elderly lady in the trench coat bent down to Shaun and said “You are a lovely helpful young man and your mother must be proud of you”
Shaun gave her his mega watt smile and turned to me and said in the loudest voice “Aunty Janey, that old posh woman nearly had a punch up with that big fat woman wearing the cat coat”
The elderly lady laughed out loud and walked off waving to Shaun.
I laughed my ass off at the ‘cat coat’ comment and took him to meet his mum.
We then proceeded to battle against the tide of grumpy parcel laden Glaswegians as they too made their way through the busiest city centre shopping day I have seen in years.
People spending millions on presents….its crazy!
I told Shaun how as a kid, we used to get a stocking with a tangerine inside it and a small board game like Ludo or a doll for our Christmas, he was amazed at how little we got. I explained that back in the 1960s we didn’t have that much cash and we just accepted it.
“Aunty Janey, you must miss your mum because she is dead” he said looking at me with those big brown penny eyes he has.
“What made you think about my mum Shaun?” I asked him.
“Well I was imagining you as a wee girl at Christmas and then I pictured your mum talking to you and then I remembered she was dead and I felt sorry about that” he spoke quietly.

I told him how my mum would have loved him; she would have been a wonderful great- grandmother to him had she lived long enough to see him. That only led to more questions about my mothers death and I wasn’t sure if Shaun had been told how she died, my mum was murdered and I didn’t want to have to tell him in case that wasn’t something he was to be told until he was older. It wasn’t really Christmas shopping conversation to be honest.

At that moment his mum arrived on the horizon, she was laden down with giant Santa bags and a huge smile. Thank God- I thought to myself, no more awkward questions from my wee favourite sensitive nephew.

So there we have it, I hate shopping!

Well there was blood, last night as I was compere at Glasgow Jongleurs I decided to leap off the stage as I brought on the first act and promptly crashed to the floor and ripped a big hole in the knee of my tights and blood seeped out of my flesh. The good news is NO ONE saw it as the lights are dark in the corner where I jumped and the act was getting a big applause as he grabbed the mic!

I am such a dick! What made me think I was still 14 years old and can jump like that? My knees recalled youth but my torso reminded them that I was middle aged and buckled in protest!

As if that wasn’t enough drama for one night, here’s more….I was standing at the Dee-jay box chatting to Jay our music man when a tall fat grey haired man approached me “Hey Janey, remember me? You gave me a mention in your autobiography” he boomed at me with open arms.
I gulped quietly and stared at him, I don’t recall this mans face, is he Barra my first boyfriend? Is he one of my husbands family who I haven’t spoke to in years? “I am sorry, I can’t remember you at all” I answered smiling.

“Well, I am the detective that searched you father in laws house the day we found the guns” he laughed and hugged me, as if this was the way you normally greet people who you have jailed in the past.

“Holy Fuck! You are indeed” I still strained to hug the man who changed my life back in 1994.
“Janey, it is so good to see you, I am no longer in the police. I remember talking to you that day about acting and comedy, do you remember?” He asked.

“Yes amongst other stuff that we chatted about that day, like guns and bullets I mean there was so much we said I can hardly recall the idle chit chat” I replied sarcastically but with fond humour.

“Well anyway, you spoke with such passion about how you hated being in the pub business that you wanted to act and write, so it made me think back to my original career choice and soon after we met I left the police and now work as an actor and am involved in music” He beamed at me.

I recalled that man back in 1994; he was the ‘nice’ copper of the two that arrested me after finding a cache of arms in my late Father-in-laws house (The police found more weapons of mass destruction in that house than the US army found in Iraq) Anyway, he was kind to me and I always appreciated that, it was the most terrifying day of my life.

I was worried that I would end up in prison for being in possession of my in-laws weapons and one of that family would be left to raise my child (We all know how that would have turned out! - No University, teen pregnancy and a predilection for fake tan and cheap gold)…so thank god I was out after one night in the cells.

“Janey I am so proud of you, honestly I am, you never belonged with those people and that family were so crooked, that man you married would only have dragged you to the pits of the earth, good for you getting away from them, the bunch of no gooders that they are and making your self successful” he grinned.

“I am still married to him and love that man actually” I spoke with a big smile.

“Fuck I am sorry, he was kind of nice and not like the rest of his brothers” he gasped trying hard to reconcile his statement.

“That’s ok man, I know what you mean” I answered.

We parted and he went off to his table with a big smile to tell his mates who were all watching our meeting.

Life is stranger than fiction, that’s for sure….how nice to meet that guy again and to know he read my book and to accept his congratulations on what he saw as my success…so nice.

I had a great night in London at the Crown Lawn party; I was so excited to go to a Christmas Lunch with the lovely Angela and her friends. Angela’s business is property and you have no idea how much I appreciate the accommodation she provides me for me in London…..I kid you not Madonna and Tom Cruise would be hard pressed to find anywhere as chic and so beautifully located as the place Angela gets me.

I always feel like a star when I lie in my huge king-size bed in the room with marble under floor heating. I giggle and remind myself how thankful I am as I think back to the times as a child when I lay in my dirty sheets picking fleas off my skin in Glasgow in the 1960s….I would be starving and couldn’t wait to get to school the next day because we got a school lunch, I would get up and my bare feet would cramp on the freezing floor boards and stand in chittering cold bathroom and try to wash with no soap and get dried with a filthy sour smelling towel…..and there I was in a huge en suite bathroom, marble warmed floors, thick white towels, Big Ben chiming dutifully at my bedroom window and winter trees covered in small white lights twinkling in the street.

Can you believe this is my life now? How lucky am I?

Angela not only gives me Celebrity Accommodation she gave me the most fabulous expensive Christmas gifts I have EVER had… I got a Bottega Veneta leather purse (It is very chic, and there was a waiting list for this recently!).
I also got a fur scarf, a set of vintage Lauder perfumes and the most wonderful hand sewn silk Butler and Wilson scarf! How wonderful?

I was gob smacked, I have NEVER had such kindness and cannot thank her enough….and to make it worse, as I didn’t know there would be gift giving, I brought a scented candle…YES a fucking scented candle…I wanted to eat my own womb with embarrassment, but Angela has this amazing knack of making you feel wanted and at ease. I am so grateful to her.

I had to leave the party as I had an early flight this morning. I also had to go to Groucho Club to meet Monica as I had some paper work for her.
I love the Groucho, as I walked in I chatted to my friend Lola who works there and she and I got talking about an event she was at that Roland Gift from Fine Young Cannibals was playing at.

They were my favourite band from the 1980s and I was so in love with Roland Gift the lead singer, I mean I had serious sexual fantasies and a HUGE crush on him….I told Lola this and she was laughing at my descriptions of all the dirty things I wanted to do this talented husky voice sexy man…I did go into minute details.

So I met Monica, we sat and waited in the Groucho reception for a cab and then Lola came over holding the hand of ……Roland Gift saying “ This is Janey, she really has a huge crush on you”

My fantasy sexy singer stood there, staring with incredulity at Lola’s vivid description of my sexual fantasies that involved him, I tried to roll myself up into a small ball and pretend to be a hedgehog, Roland’s sexy eyes bore into mine and he smiled that dirty smile that I had dreamt of, I wanted to die with horror and shame…Monica was pissing herself laughing and Roland took my hand and hugged me tightly and whispered into my red burning embarrassed ear “Thank you, I do like being licked”
I meanwhile gabbled 5000 words a second as Lola stood there, finished her ‘Janey wants to fuck Roland Gift since 1983 announcement’ and smiled, threw out her arms and shouted “ I love making dreams come true”

Roland kissed me, winked and walked off (the poor man had to be nice to this mental exhausted Scottish woman who was lugging a huge Santa bag and had bright red cheeks and who couldn’t make eye contact).

There can be nothing more horrifically awkward than meeting a man you had a huge crush on and someone explaining your sexual fantasies of them TO THEM as you watch on…..I can laugh now, but I actually was going to pretend I had fainted to get out of it all…..poor man!

So all in all I had an eventful night, great gifts and Roland Gift!

Merry Christmas!

I got an email from the New Zealand Comedy Guild; they let me know that I have been nominated ‘Best International Guest’ regarding the show I took over there in May this year!
How lovely is that?

I find out who wins the award on 17th December. I am up for the award with tow other international comics.

Now we all know how crap my record is at winning awards, I am always the bridesmaid and never the bride when it comes to any award schemes! But it is amazing to be nominated.
Went into town today to try and find a winter warm coat that doesn’t make me look like a woolly mammoth….you see I am small and when I wear padded heavy coats I look like a fucking wee fat squirrel. So I gave up and decided that the old coat I used to have will have to do.
I fly to London tomorrow; I am so looking forward to having a party with the Crown Lawn crew! They have invited me along to enjoy their festivities with them and I am so touched.

Been getting through my BAFTA screeners, the industry people send me the DVD’s to watch in advance of the BAFTA awards in February and I am loving the task.
I have to say that the best movie I have ever seen is ‘Little Miss Sunshine’ it is just wonderful and so fucking funny, you must go see it. The script is so sharp, the totally character driven screenplay is so awesome it makes the film so damn watch-able and the Grandfather in the film is just the best grandpa you are ever likely to come across in any movie.

So I will be off the laptop for two days as I am not taking it with me to London. See you all soon.