I had a great time last night at East Kilbride Arts Centre, it was amazing. The show sold out! Loads of people who had come had already read my book and that totally stuns me that people are still reading my autobiography. I am very humbled. I started talking about my mum; those who know me know that she was murdered in 1982. When I was telling a really funny story about her I actually started to cry a bit, not terribly noticeable to be honest. I have the video clip here and its very funny trust me I was just emotional slightly when I remembered her face, and the audience can’t really tell. I really miss her sometimes. My daughter is reaching 21 years old and that was the age I was when my mammy was killed. I was so numb at the time and actually pretended that my mammy was still alive. This was a huge emotional mistake; I had to face my mammy’s death eventually. I can’t imagine leaving Ashley behind at that age, to me she is still a baby and we are incredibly close. I wish I had been that close to my mammy, I often wonder how she felt when she was fighting for her life that dark night she was thrown into the River Clyde. I torture myself wondering if she lay there in dark injured and flailing till her life slowly ebbed away. We will never know. The police never made much of an effort to charge her killer. Peter was his name, he was her boyfriend and had previously been charged with trying to kill her two years earlier. She thought he would change if she was good to him. I miss her…if you want you can view the clip here YouTube My Mammy clip I am going to sit and watch TV with Ashley today, I love our Saturdays when I am not out of Glasgow. We both lie on the sofa and click through chart shows, films and our favourite TV shows. I am lucky to still have this time with her and trust me I know that!

My baby niece is three years old and has a vivid imagination, in fact it scares me the stuff she says. Yesterday she told me this story…read on.

Abi- “This story starts in a church; don’t worry as it’s a zombie church. There is me, Grandpa, two Meer cats and baby. The baby is dead. The mummy was sad and took the dead baby home, she gave the Meer cat’s two strawberry jellies and then in the night the dead baby woke up and ate the mummies’ face!”

I sat there with Abi’s mum and we stared at each other in horror….dead babies eating their mummies face? YUK!
Apparently Abi loves Tim Burton stuff, no surprise then!

On another subject…

I am sitting here watching a TV show about teenagers who are addicted to porn. I mean for fucksake who would let their teenagers go on TV admitting an addiction to porn…he is now a target for perverts! He is going to get to 30 years of age and shoot his parents in the head for allowing him to go live on telly and talk about wanking himself to death.

Guess what they did to cure him of his sexual wanking addiction? They handed him over to the church! Yes…of course give him to a priest to help with a sex problem! That will work eh?

Husband told me that when he was a teenager porn to him was flicking to the women’s underwear pages of Kay’s Catalogue, he would spend hours ogling women in their knickers and bra’s!
This hasn’t stopped last week the brochure for Bravissimo Bra’s came through for me; it is a bra company that makes amazing bra’s for big boobed women and he sat there flicking through it saying “mmmm nice boobs!”
Took him back to his teenage years!

Porn can’t be all bad or all good…depends on how you use it in your life, I think every teenage boy and girl possibly go through a stage of misusing porn…though I can’t imagine what misusing porn actually is! I think everyone knows what porn is for; porn can be a good world to get into…unless you are Anna Nichole Smith.

So Ashley has decided that her dad and I are too old for sex. She told me yesterday “Mum you and dad are middle aged and you should both give up having sex”.
I am stunned that she has the choice over this, but to be honest she always did in a bizarre way.

When she was a foetus she almost killed me in pregnancy, so therefore sex stopped. When she born she almost ended my life by taking 3 days to come out and I ended up getting 54 stitches in my poonanny… so therefore sex stopped.
Then when she was a toddler and very curious there was no amount of Vaseline on the door handle to keep her out of our bedroom…so therefore sex stopped.
Then when she was a teenager and kept banging about the house, we had no privacy…so therefore sex stopped.
We were kind of looking forward to her getting older so that when she left, we could have sex on the sofa again…but she is still here and she has decided that our sex life has to stop.

So there we have it….we wont stop, in fact we may start to do shouty loud bangy sex just to annoy her. I think that will give her enough psychological problems to keep her in therapy for a few years.

On another note, I was contacted through a website I was on the other day.

A man messaged me to tell me he and his wife (they were scarily ugly and very greasy looking) like ‘cupples’ for sex. They live in Barnsley and have a semi (I think that was a reference to his penis) and they like other cupples to come over for dinner, music and sex. Videos of the event are optional and can be ordered!
The thought of Chunky chicken and chips, Phil Collins and greasy sex with Norma and Norris made be heave.

You have to see this man to understand why I am horrified. Not only does this odd
freakish looking man have a wife (trust me he makes Quasimodo look like George Clooney) together in the picture they make a fucking frightening ‘cupple’ and I cant imagine anything more scary than being stuck in a semi with those two!

Who are these people that think contacting strangers for illicit sexual encounters is a good idea? Do they actually get takers?

I live a very sheltered life and if Ashley has her way it will be more closeted.

My daughter Ashley and I were laughing as we were recalling the night in a hotel in Auckland where we were staying when I was touring there last year.
We had a lovely hotel suite and one night about 3am the room next door had banging noises that soon woke us up and we immediately recognised the noises as SEX….we giggled.
The sex got so noisy and violent that plates fell from our kitchen shelf!

In the morning, as we left for breakfast we saw the room next door open…..we stood and waited to see the sexy beasts emerge, expecting to see two young fit healthy Kiwi’s, but what did come out of the room was a pair of really OLD MEN!

Ashley and I pissed ourselves laughing…..the two old guys smiled and shuffled towards the lifts.
I can’t even begin to imagine what they had been doing….I just walked on and went for some coffee!

The same thing happened last week when we were in Nottingham in a Holiday Inn.
Some incredibly fit couple woke us up banging fuck out of the wall we shared with our beds. We were separated with some cheap thin plaster and most of our night was taken up with two people who had watched porn and thought the best way to have a good time was to fucking scream their way through sex….I thought a pigeon was being slammed off the walls!

Who are these people?

I don’t have the energy to shout and thrash that much during sex, I am too old and fat!

I love working away at the weekends, this weekend was Nottingham. The club is fabulous and the place is really cool. As usual the hotel had internet at £6000 a minute…ok that was an exaggeration, it was £15 but that is still extortion as far as I am concerned.

The other downside of the hotel was that I clocked a look at myself in the toilet mirror and saw a huge big fat woman staring back, so I am on a diet AGAIN…yes again…I hear you say…well honestly I am FAT.
I am at that stage where I am not fat enough to be pointed at in the street- yet not thin enough to wear jeans without feeling as though some medieval sexual torture is being inflicted on me.

Nottingham has apparently a huge gun crime scene but I saw only lovely people.
Although I did wake up to the horrible news that bird flu is back in the UK…fucking hell…I knew birds would kill me eventually, that’s what I get for kicking pigeons in every UK high street.

I am finally home…it took ages as I stopped off in York. It is absolutely beautiful in York and I was stunned at the wonderful architecture. So amazing is York.
Husband and I pack flasks of tea on our journeys and we do like those two old people at the side of the road having tea sitting on deckchairs like loonies….but we love it.
Oh and I did a pee outside…yes we stopped in a lay-by and I pulled down my fat persons trousers and peed…I was so desperate I had to. No one saw me but a big horse that was standing in a field and I know it was disgusted, but fucksake I had to go.

My daughter is horrified that I just wrote that…so deal with it…I am off to eat less.