Am just home from Dundee, it was amazing. Honestly so lovely and the people were nice. I was booked into a hotel called 25 in Dundee. It’s a boutique hotel and very much big upped itself on its webpage.
Firstly there was NO wi-fi available and you have to check into the hotel through the bar at the back which was strange.

I got to the room on the top floor and it was all lovely and smart fancy furniture but when I went to wash my hands there was no soap or hot water.
I ran back down the three flights of stairs (no lift) and explained to the bar man/concierge person about the hot water situation.

I went out a walk, came back and still no hot tap water or soap…oh well that’s what happens when the bar man is also the chambermaid.
Later on around 7pm I started to get ready for my show at Dundee Rep theatre and then discovered that there was also NO HOT water in the shower.

I ran back down all the stairs and explained this to the poor bar man who was also trying take food and drinks orders. He simply said “I am sorry we have had no hot water for ages”

“You let me check into a hotel with no running hot water? Why didn’t you say so? I know it’s a boutique hotel but surely hot water is a fucking must?” I spluttered.

To cut a long story short which incidentally involved the manager accusing me of lying about asking about the hot water earlier in the day –even when the poor bar man explained that I had asked…I left and checked into the Queens Hotel in Dundee…they had hot running water! Such a luxury…so Stefan King who owns that bloody hotel called 25 in Dundee really needs to stay there himself and see how it feels to try and shower in a freezing stream of water and deal with a manager who calls his guests LIARS.

After that I forgot to tell you what happened last Tuesday.

I watched a woman outside my local PDSA (vets for poor animals). She let her two fat dog’s shit all over the street, and she then chased them into the back of her car and prepared to drive off.
That was until I leaned over and knocked on her window “Excuse me, get out of the car and lift your dog shit up” I yelled at her.

She stared at me, rolled down the window and said “What’s it got to do with you?”

“I live here and right across the road is a children’s nursery and dog poo is a danger to them, you must know it’s wrong to leave dog crap all over the pavement” I answered.

She got out of her car and slammed it shut. Her face was fuming.
She then went into the vet’s office and came out with a plastic bag and lifted up the dog poo and threw it into the bin on the wall.

If she hadn’t I was planning on picking the dog shit up and throwing it at her car.
I may even pick up the shit and carry it up to DUNDEE and throw it at Number 25 hotel …they deserve my shit stick this week.

Monday morning I woke up and had to pack quickly for London. I had fallen asleep early the night before and never did my late night suitcase pack up which is my usual ritual.
Husband drove me to airport and I was still groggy.

I realised that day my first ever newspaper column went in the Scotsman Newspaper, so I rushed to the newspaper shop and there was the newspaper.

The top headline had a big colour picture of me and it read “Our New Columnist Janey Godley” I was so excited I squealed a wee bit and flicked open to page 9 and I DON’T have a column I have a WHOLE page to myself!

I am Carrie Bradshaw…but this isn’t Sex and The City and I don’t click about in high heels and write about single women and hot nights with Mr Big.

I was so chuffed I called husband as he drove home from the airport.

“My God, you have to see the Scotsman it’s a huge page and the photo is nice, I am so excited” I shouted into the phone.

Husband wears his hands free Bluetooth ear piece which makes him look like a man from the future…it is silver and the bright blue light flickers. It freaks me out, I was glad I wasn’t there to look at it.

“Yes Janey, we knew it was due to go in today, why are you surprised?” He spoke plainly with his monotone voice. I keep forgetting his Aspergers Syndrome makes him impervious to anything squeaky and exciting.

I smiled, said my goodbyes and hung up and read the page I wrote last week.
There was a funny bit I wrote about my daughter and it made me smile as I sat on the aeroplane, who would have thought I would get to write about her in a newspaper?

The plane took off and before long it landed in Heathrow.

I was in London for a meeting then I went to the Last Comic Standing auditions that were being held at the Comedy Store near Piccadilly.

I was glad that I wasn’t the only comic I knew there, loads of big names were hanging about outside and I was getting more nervous by the minute, especially when the huge film crew started shoving a big camera into my face.

This show is a huge success in USA, it basically is a reality show where stand up comics battle it out week in week out to become the best comic in the WORLD…well according to NBC!

The audition was really odd and I felt so nervous as I tried to make three people laugh in a cold environment, then half way through doing gags I stopped and said “This isn’t what I actually do, I tell stories not gags”
So they let me tell them a story and I relaxed and chatted about what it is I really represent comedy wise.

I did get through to the late night live show but failed to make it to Los Angeles for the next part of the programme.
I am crap at competitions. Remember when I was nominated for Scotswoman of the Year? A Polish woman beat me to the title! That’s how good I am at competing.

I am home, I am tired and I am so excited about writing next week’s column.

Who shall I write about next?

Well my one woman show at the Garage was wonderful and thanks to everyone who came along. The room was great and the audience were really cool. I love being onstage and today I got my review in The Scotsman my favourite quote from that review said ‘Truly inspired’ how awesome?

The write up was wonderful and I am so glad he enjoyed my work.

Last night Ashley and I took to the stage in Blackfriars for our Sketch Show “Square Street”, you cannot begin to imagine how amazing it is to be onstage with my daughter making a sell out room laugh….just the best feeling ever!

Ashley has a great sense of comic timing and I laugh my ass of at her when I am onstage with her!
This week has been very busy, I had the vomits again (turns out I have a virus and not a pregnancy) and I had a live radio show, a TV appearance and a live show all in one day with a throat that hurt as I had been throwing up what felt like dry bricks all night.

I am off to London on Monday and today I woke up (this is Saturday) and I was convinced it was Sunday for some obscure reason! I got up and started packing until husband asked me why I was getting ready to leave so bloody early!

I have lost a day somewhere along this week….what made me think it was Sunday? I don’t know!

If anyone can find the day I lost and told me what happened to it, I would be grateful.

The Scotsman Newspaper called me last week and offered me my own column. I am so excited and scared…what if I am a shit writer…I know this blog is popular but I might be crap.

I went through to Edinburgh for the photo session as I needed a new picture for the head of the column. I was so tired and I had to wear my hair in rollers and actually travel in the car with scary rollers stuck in my head. By the time I got to Edinburgh I had a sore nippy head full of jaggy rollers and managed to put enough make up on to cover the huge spot on my top lip.

So the photo came out ok, and my first column is this coming Monday, I will be in London and miss the bloody thing unless I can find an international newsvendor.

Monica and I are going to celebrate on Monday night as I am in London for business for only one day.

On another note, I have eight kids aged 13 to 15 for two afternoons a week.
Ashley and I teach them film making tips and basic camera work, also some comedy and confidence skills.
I love them all so much and today we had a real sharing time. We got to talk about stuff that matters and witnessing them supporting each other through hard times is life affirming
I love watching them do comedy, characterisations and stand up….and they are my wee bunch of stars and I will hate letting them go next week when it ends.

So this blog is dedicated to my happy bunch of Glasgow Kids…you make me smile.

See you all next week in the Scotsman.

Husband and I went a walk down into Kelvingrove Park. There was a wee winding path that took us down to the river. As we approached the look out point there was this amazing noise, it was like a rustling and thundering running sound. I turned round and before my eyes about 46 squirrels were running down through the foliage and gathered all around me. Staring.

When they reached me they stopped dead, they stood still on the ground. They crouched frozen in the trees; they sat like statues on the flat rocks….all looking at me…expectantly and with anticipation.

It was like Hitchcock’s The Birds except with squirrels. I was scared. Their wee beady eyes were darting about, I moved and then all the squirrels moved. It was like synchronised dancing and I was the lead hoofer, the tiny grey rats with bushy tails waited for me to move and then they moved!

I was scared to breathe incase the noise alerted them…

Then they rushed towards my legs and jumped around looking at me
as if saying “Ok Fatty where are the nuts and raisins?”
I was like a reluctant Snow White…those scary wee fuckers are really creepy.

I never had nuts or fruit; they must be those city squirrels that get hand fed.
I don’t carry assorted fruits for small mammals!

“Holy Fuck is one near my head? I felt something on my head” I screamed at husband.

“No it’s a leaf that fell but there is one big squirrel dangling off the branch and it’s almost on your neck” he answered.

I moved away and watched as the wee squirrels also moved back two steps…yet still in co ordination.

The wee squirrels had these amazing bushy tails that are so soft and look like a boa scarf, the tiny wee hairs on the tails twitch around and they look like they are pixelated.

I was still scared; I don’t care how cute they looked.

At that point a few pigeons came flapping down to join the party. They weren’t welcome; the squirrels were currently acting out their own ‘Gangs of New York’ but in a small furry woodland animal version.

One pigeon spotted a wee bit of bread on the ground near my foot and waddled over to peck it and to my utter amazement a big squirrel walked over casually and PUNCHED the pigeon on the head with its wee grey midget fist!

I have never seen such aggression in a long time and I used to own a bar in the East End of Glasgow!

I think that big squirrel had a hand gun under its ass!

After the scary grey squirrels realised that I didn’t have any food to give them they stood there and sneered at me, I am sure one or two actually gave me the finger…

I am never going there again…those wee fat tree hanging fuckers scare me.