It is stifling here and I cannot believe that all the clothes I have packed are useless and I am walking around Manhattan in my sloppy pyjamas, as these are the coolest clothes I own. I feel like a homeless person.

Mind you down in the Bowery where I performed my play and comedy, there was a tall slinky black man dressed as a woman but sporting a full beard, so I am normal in comparison.

The accent barrier is not an issue, but I always seem to go into shops and get served by some poor person with a speech impediment. I asked for REGULAR tea and the young woman with the cross eyes repeated this back to me as ‘BEBULAR’ tea and I stood there and laughed and that means I am going straight to hell.

It took ages for us to agree on the ‘regular’ tea issue and by the time I got it outside I was falling about laughing, now I know I am bad…but I couldn’t stop laughing as I thought it was ME who was saying it wrong.

So the play ‘The Point of Yes’ went spectacularly well in spite of me assuming the accent would ruin the dialogue. I was so pleased with the show and my comedy show Good Godley! Was just a joy to do in the Bleecker Street Theatre.

There were small audiences but there was one woman from Glasgow there and she made the show even better. How awesome was that?

I sat in Central Park and watched the Off Broadway Soft Ball teams compete and it was just wonderful, the heat is searing but my pyjamas kept me cool.
I think I may wear my pyjamas forever, very liberating, but I might start shaving my chin in case I turn into the bearded lady.

The weather is awesome, John Fleming (my manager and all round helper) is with me and I am doing my one woman play ‘The Point of Yes’ tonight at a theatre off Broadway.
I have been in New York before, but fuck how I forgot about the sheer noise level of traffic and every time I go to call my father in Glasgow a big police car goes screeching past with its siren on, so I cant actually call my dad till this stops as it would worry him. So I don’t think I will be chatting to daddy for a while.

The apartment I am in is quite small but great location, there is no kettle to make a pot of tea, and so I trotted off and bought one of those small tin tea pots that you fill with water and boil. It leaked and flooded water everywhere, so I am taking that right back to the shops.

I love New York and the images of me the columnist sitting in the apartment looking like Carrie Bradshaw from Sex and the City couldn’t be further from the truth. I am tired, none of my clothes seem to fit and I cannot wear kitten heels for the life of me.

I went out last night with a gay mate of mine to a bar, for some unknown reason I drank beer…I DON’T drink…I am not an alcoholic or someone who has drink problems; I just don’t take booze very much. Anyway after two drinks I was hammered. I have been in New York one night and I have a smelly hangover.

My comedy show Good Godley! Is being performed tomorrow night so I need to get organised and stop staring out the fire escape at the ‘squirrels versus cats’ war that goes on daily at the Chinese woman’s balcony across on 35th street, opposite my back window.
It truly is the best show in New York…the cats are trying to catch the squirrels and the squirrels are trying to get into the Chinese woman’s opened patio door…maybe I should stop staring and go rehearse my play?

Ashley and I have been in London since Friday. We went to the Groucho club Gang Show on Saturday. The show is basically all the talented musicians and performers who are members of the private club; they get together and put on a huge five hour show.

People like Heaven 17, Turin Brakes, Noel Gallagher, Richard O’Brien, Betty Boo and whole host of comics including myself were booked for the night.
I cannot tell you the names of all the amazing jazz and soul bands but my favourite Roland Gift from Fine Young Cannibals was on top form and he kissed me!

That man in a musical God and sex beast as far as I am concerned. Yum.
I am sure he knows I am slightly obsessed but despite this we had a great chat and I got to hear him sing four feet away from my seat…now that is HEAVEN!

Ashley’s life long ambition was also realised when she did the ‘Time warp’ with creator of The Rocky Horror Show Richard O’Brien and led the whole room in the dance. She was ecstatic.

The happiness didn’t last as on Sunday morning when we awoke, my poor baby Ashley started vomiting and we had the BAFTA awards that night…she did manage to stop the sickness and off we trotted all in our glad rags down the red carpet.

The award ceremony was long, but Joan Rivers was there and she was just wickedly funny as always.

The after party was held the awesome Natural History Museum, just yards from our flat here in London. Ashley and I had a fab time, we danced, we drank and we partied till dawn with the fabulous and the famous.
It was extremely odd dancing to Wham! Beside a huge dinosaur and ancient fossils that were on display at the world famous museum, also there were fossils in a dress and high heels – That was me!

So now it is Monday and I fly out to New York tomorrow morning to perform my play and comedy, I am tired, my feet hurt and I managed to rip THREE pairs of tights pulling them on last night…what the fuck are they made of? Butterfly wings? They are expensive and I need to learn how to be a lady and pull on pantyhose properly.

My next blog will be from New York…see you soon.

Recent reports are saying that oral sex may lead to higher risk of throat cancer; my husband says the word ‘May’ in that sentence is important. I am worried sick and I might get his throat checked.

 

He doesn’t seem too bothered and so life goes on.

 

I have been slow with my blog again as I have been getting ready for London and New York, also my addiction to the Gilmore Girls has been very consuming. The last season finished last night in the US and that’s the end of the entire series.

 

I have seen every episode of every season and have been recently scanning all the websites that illegally show TV series uploaded and shared with people on the web.

I had three people in America who uploaded the show onto my favourite website and let me watch it as soon as the site accepted it. I was so excited.

 

I am now into 24 season 6. The finale was this week and my friends on the web have assured me it is up, the problem with 24 is, the people who represent the network that show it on television in America, have a team of computer legal geeks who scan all the TV web host sites and demand they get pulled down, so it’s a race against time to catch it….a bit like an episode of 24 as we the viewers try to outwit the corporations that prevent us from watching free of charge. My life is dull…I know.

 

I am off to the BAFTA TV awards in London on Sunday, so hopefully I will make it down the red carpet without falling over in my high heels. It’s always a worry.

 

Thanks to all who have helped me get accommodation in New York next week and thanks to Virgin Atlantic who may possibly see it in their hearts to upgrade me on my flight out of Heathrow on Tuesday morning…please?

My nephew Shaun who is ten years old fell and banged his head. Poor wee soul had a brain bleed and was rushed to hospital. I was so worried about him and went I went up for a visit; he was in no pain and was in a private ward getting all the attention from the nurses. Thanks nice nurses in Glasgow, he fine and well and home again.

Meanwhile I flew off to Belfast for my one woman show. The rain battered the cobbled Irish streets and yet people queued in the lashing rain and the show sold out.

Belfast was awesome and it looked and felt a bit like Glasgow, I was fascinated with the place and have vowed to go back and spend more than one night and actually get to see the place.

By the way I found a great apartment in New York thanks to Ivan my mate in London who knew and woman who rents out her place….I am so excited all I need now is an UPGRADE on the VIRGIN flight from London to New York…any people out there good at that task? Please? I will kiss your toes!

Ashley and I fly to London this weekend; I am taking part in the Groucho gang show and then am off to the BAFTA TV awards on the Sunday. Ashley and I always have such a great time and I can’t wait to spend time with her.

Thanks for all who helped me try to get a flat in NY…I love ya…and if you live there come and see me my one woman play The Point of Yes at the Green Room on Bleecker St on the 23rd of May and my one woman award winning comedy show Good Godley! On the 24th of May

Virgin flight upgrade? Anyone?