Seems the day I had flown out of JFK, the New York police and FBI stopped a plot to blow it up!
They have arrested four men who are allegedly the terrorists who had organised to explode the fuel pipes that feed that airport.
I don’t know if the day I was flying out was that day they were getting ready to go to town on their explosive attack but I do know I no longer care or worry or fear terrorism.

When in London on any public transport I go sit right beside any Muslim looking man carrying a backpack. I figure if you welcome death it evades you and I never intend to be scared.

When I was a kid people would tell me not to go near a dog because it was biter and
I would always make a point of rubbing its head and making friends with it. I welcomed the rage of the animal, as I was sure if it smelt fear it would bite but if it recognised my lack of terror it would be ok.

This neither makes me brave or mad, it’s just a theory that I lived with and I have survived loads of shit in my life.
A few years ago a building near my home exploded, people died and were dying in that building and I ran towards it with a camera taking pictures of the devastation.

Those pics made the front page of the Glasgow Evening Times.
People questioned my motives at the time and I reckoned that a documentation of the unfolding event needed to be recorded. I have no idea why I carried on taking pictures as people were running around injured, but it felt ok at the time and as I have no real first aid experience I wouldn’t have tried to administer it.

So taking pictures was the only thing I could do.

Carrying on regardless in the middle of a scary situation is what I prefer to do.
My theory has seen me through the scariest of times and I am sticking with it. I don’t mean I actively seek danger, but if presented with a dangerous situation, I would rather fly in the face of it.

The only thing that really scares me is wasps and flying beasties.

Show me wasps or bugs and I will scream like a girl and run like the fucking wind.

Show me a man with a knife and I will challenge him to an arm wrestle.

Yes, bleak rainy Glasgow is good reminder of where I am from. I am glad to see the rain of Scotland batter off my bedroom window, believe me…after all that oppressive heat of NY; I am bathing in the rain!
I have slept more than I should and now it is Sunday afternoon and Ashley is sitting playing her guitar and making me smile. How I missed her!

I bought her G Unit rapper clothes in NY and she loved them, I was concerned about the sizes as the hoodie top was huge and I was utterly convinced that I knew no one who could wear such an overly sized item, but apparently that is how you wear the gear.
I did go to the kids department and got her a G Unit tee shirt and it fits her perfectly but that was the wrong thing to do as I was supposed to get the tee shirt in the size of a tent!
How I laughed when I saw my white tall middle class child dressed in big baggy rapper clothes…she looks so funny in them.

Husband and I had our ‘Welcome home’ argument that always happens when I go away for ages. I had to admit three things to stop the fight escalating.

1- I am selfish and don’t understand other peoples needs.
2- I need to accept the world does not revolve around me.
3- Husband does everything to make my life easier and I don’t appreciate it.

So I agreed to all of the above and the world went smoother. Underneath it all I am seething but being married means that you have to compromise your life to allow other people to function around you or apparently you are Hitler.

So I am home and happy (well sort of).

New York has the biggest crawly bugs I have ever seen. Standing in the street in flip flops I looked down and there running towards my foot was a big reddish cockroach, so I screamed like a girl.

In the apartment where I am staying, I saw another huge bug scuttle behind my suitcase, so therefore I had to take the whole thing apart and check Buggy McBastard hadn’t decided to live in my knickers and come home to Scotland with me.

I leave NY tomorrow morning at 5am…and head back to London.

I have had such an awesome time here in New York, though the heat has been debilitating. During the day it is so fucking hard to walk around as the sun burns you to the bone and the humidity makes you sweat more than a blind lesbian in a fish factory.

I am exhausted and missing my family. Though catching up with some old mates here in New York has been wonderful. I used to come over here in 1999, so I have pals from the past. That has been cool.

I am sure husband is enjoying the peace and quiet although from what I can gather Ashley is making extreme demands on his time. She really is a daddy’s girl. When I tried to call him she butted in about fourteen times and we gave up even trying to have a conversation.

I have been writing my weekly column from New York for The Scotsman newspaper, where I have a page on a Monday.
The highlights of my trip were performing at The Green Room on Bleecker St and going to Washington Square to listen to the wonderful buskers. It has been great.

I think when I go home I will take husband away for a couple of days and spend time with him; it’s been so long since we got to have a decent argument uninterrupted.

By email a friend suggested that I had to write seven things that people would not know about me. Now this is hard for me as I have written my autobiography and have blogged my inner most feelings since 2004, so what’s to write that you might not know?

So I had a big long think and this is the seven things about me that most people won’t know.

One- I have a scar that runs from my belly button upwards from an operation that went wrong when I was two years old for a hernia problem. (I don’t know how babies get hernias unless I was weightlifting teddy bears)

Two- I have extremely erotic porn dreams about people I don’t even find attractive –like the man who works in the co-op near my home and a stand up comic I actually really dislike and then I sweat profusely when I meet them in case subconsciously realise I am in love with them and cant recognise it because I am mentally challenged.

Three- I miscarried a baby one night before I went onstage and didn’t know I was actually pregnant and did the gig. It was just a heavy bleed and I didn’t recognise what had happened till the next day (ok maybe that was too gross for most people to know but I am searching here for secrets….help me out!)

Four- I shout another mans name out in my sleep regularly, so my husband tells me and I suspect this may be connected to number TWO in this list.

Five- I used to enter competitions in conjunction with drinks companies through the pub I used to own years ago, and under false names I would win many gifts and had to get locals to collect the prizes. I was good at writing slogans and got bored talking to drunken Glaswegians so I entered all the booze comps!

Six- I screwed money from our new Prime Minister.
Gordon Brown our new Prime Minister was the Chancellor of the Exchequer in the 90s, we used to let the Labour Party use our next door shops for free when they were canvassing during an election-and Gordon Brown was there- he came into the bar to buy drinks for all his Labour chums. After ordering a huge round of drinks, he stood there and asked the price of whisky and lager.
“£1.40 a pint, £1.50 a whisky, so that’s ten pints and four whiskies’ comes to £30 in all thanks” I said with a smile knowing that I was overcharging him ten pounds, this was just to see if he could actually count.
He stood there, looked at me and then agreed and nodded.

I laughed took the cash and said loudly “You can’t count and that’s why I will never vote Labour”
So I screwed our new Prime Minister for cash!

Seven- I am incredibly shy with new people and am only talkative when I am onstage and it freaks people out when they meet me and I stare at my shoes and go quiet till I get a microphone in my hand.

I am 46 and staying out to 5am to go partying is not a good idea as far as I am concerned. I hung out with friends and ended up catching a cab at dawn, the view of Manhattan and the sun rise was just worth the late night.

 

I had four hours sleep then got up and went off to Coney Island with John my manager and we were meeting up with Andrew J Lederer, he is a New York comic and lovely all round guy.

 

Coney Island is awesomely tacky and wonderfully cheap looking with ancient rides and amazing architecture. The beach is clean and the sun was hot as hell. I thought I was going to DIE; I actually sat in the shade and went grumpy. I looked at my legs and noticed I have been bitten to bits by nasty insects in NY…bastards! I have lumpy bumpy shins now.

 

I got really hungry, yet the only thing on sale in Coney Island is deep fried hot lard, I was so annoyed that I ended up shouting at John. Then Andrew showed up and we walked along to Brighton Beach where we went into a great Russian restaurant and had fine food…and it was air conditioned.

 

I don’t know what I was expecting in Coney Island? Salad? The place only does hot dogs! I need to stop assuming people will change their environment to suit me.

 

Meanwhile the sun battered down and shade was thin on the ground, I ended up on the beach under a huge umbrella and finally made a mad dash and jumped into the ocean, which was so cooling and cold I wanted to become a fish to escape the constantly scorching sun.

 

I am a moany cow, I finally get the most beautiful beach, the best weather and all I do is whinge and bitch.

The upside is Andrew J Lederer the US comic did give us a wonderful guided tour of the beach area, pointing out interesting buildings and giving us a really informed history of the area. If you want you can check his blog and really good page on www.myspace.com/andrewjlederer