I am nearly very old and I feel it, I am 46 now and truly that is old for being a stand up comic, all the other comics who are female are mostly young and sexy. I know I am old because…

1) I actually use the handles on my bath and now stick my feet onto the bath non slip surface to get a good purchase grip when getting out. When I was young, those rough patches on the bath annoyed me and I hated cleaning them, now I keep them rough with a pumice stone.

2) When I try to tie my hair up with a clasp, the stretch hurts my under arms.

3) There are grey eyebrows appearing and there is one long grey ‘Witches Hair’ growing out of my chin.

4) My knee makes a strange squeaky noise when I climb the stairs.

5) Sex exhausts me for all the wrong reasons.

6) A multiple orgasm may induce a stroke, so I avoid them at all costs and concentrate on flower arranging during any sexual contact.

7) I almost peed when I sneezed last week.

8) There is a big brown freckle on my hand that may look like a liver spot that old people get.

9) The young guys in the street don’t offer me free flyers to get into sexy night clubs; in fact they offer to help me with my shopping bags.

10) Old women on the bus turn to me to chat about the weather and expect an answer; don’t they know I still fancy 50 Cent?

11) I know all the words to Rappers Delight by the Sugar Hill Gang and can recall the exact day in October 1979 when rap first burst onto our airwaves through the radio.

12) I can recall live pictures from the Vietnam War on the BBC News.

13) When I dance, people snigger and listen for my hips snapping.

14) Old men with smelly jackets and tufty hair, ask me for my phone number and use the chat up line “Did we meet at the bingo?”

15) I wear socks to bed and no longer choose underwear for sex value, preferring cotton and easy wash attributes, I used to wear uncomfortable bright sexy lacy gear.

16) My baby niece Abi asked me if I had owned a Penny Farthing bike which we saw in a museum last month.

17) My nephew Shawn wanted to buy me a shopping trolley with wheels for my birthday, because he worries that the weight may hurt my arms.

Life is over for me….please please 50 Cent come get me before it’s all too late for me to bend.

 

This is my new Fringe poster for the Edinburgh Festival 2007 JANEY GODLEY –

 

JANEY GODLEY'S CHAT SHOW 2nd-26th August - 5.00pm at The Green Room

 

The Green Room, 37 Guthrie Street, Edinburgh EH1 1JG

 

www.janeygodley.co.uk/fringe2007

 

Thanks Janey Godley

Is Dr Who going to be the only doctor from lands afar that we can now depend on? The latest news that terrorist cells are being established through the NHS with Pakistani/ Indian originated doctors in the UK is horrifying.
Is Locum a new word for bomb?

We have thousands of Asian doctors in Glasgow and they have always been very well respected. People in Scotland trust medical staff, its how we were raised as kids.

We in the UK always assumed that fundamentalist terrorist groups were made up of uneducated disenfranchised Muslims who needed something to believe in and would go to the lengths of killing themselves and innocent others to prove their point.

Now we know that middle classed educated doctors and medical staff is actually the people behind the latest attacks in the UK and that stuns me.

I live within a huge Muslim community in Glasgow, its great to have diversity. I have noticed changes lately. For instance the sheer amount of guys going to the Mosque in full white robes and long beards, no longer a staple for the older Islamists is growing.

Now the younger guys who used to dress in jeans are fully robed and growing beards.
That doesn’t mean they are terrorists! I am not that bloody naïve, but I have never seen so many younger men in the white with beards as I have before.
I am a comedian and a people watcher, these things I notice.

I used to love watching the diverse mix of young hip Asians getting out of the fancy cars, music booming, dressed like pale rappers and walking to the Mosque to join their elders and shake hands and acknowledge each other in the street.
Now there are less of them and that’s just how it is.

I love living near the Mosque, it is right across from a Church and near and Chapel.
Watching the mix of religious worshipers is interesting for me.

The sheer amount of Afro/Caribbean food shops mixed with Asian shops that sell jewellery, fabrics and beauty products are wonderful in the West End of Glasgow.
That’s what I love the most about living here; we never had that in the East End.
I hate the suspicion that is beginning to grow in my community.
I saw two men come out of a pub yesterday and shout at the guys going to the Mosque. That isn’t helpful.

I have no idea what the government is going to do about our National Health Service being the bedrock for terrorism; I hope it gets sorted out.

The last thing we need is racial attacks on the hard working Muslims that live here and love being Scottish.

Things are making me crazy lately; I always get freaked out this time of year as I prepare to go to the Edinburgh Fringe. The organisation alone makes me feel like I have to be one of those mystical Hindu Gods with seventeen arms and possibly two heads. Luckily I do have help, but I still worry sick about the tiny details.

To make matters worse my daughter Ashley told me that whenever she does anything wrong she worries incessantly that I will be so disappointed with her and she tries not to tell me stuff and instead tells her dad. That makes me feel bad so we talked about it.
Am I that judgmental? Am I that scary?

So we discussed, when we were in Glastonbury Ashley unfolded a small pop up tent we bought as an addition to the big tent as we decided that because we never had a car to store luggage- a pop up tent was the answer to our problems…anyway Ashley popped up the tent and then promptly snapped it broke within two seconds of it opening.

I apparently sighed loudly…so loudly…she felt terrible about her mistake and used this incident as an example of my overwhelming disappointment at her.

I was astounded at her saying this, I did sigh loudly, I was fucked off she broke the thing within three seconds of opening it…but then I immediately assured her that it was all ok. The most important thing was to get it up and get the luggage inside as we were being flooded.

But that didn’t count…I sighed…and she felt crushed.

I have no idea how to fix this issue, I have told her that no matter what she does – she must tell me, I will be disappointed BUT I will lie, cheat and even kill to protect her and would do so willingly.

Being a mother is hard.

Husband is exempt from this psychological torture, he apparently doesn’t care what she does and reassures her that all is well and she can tell him anything. Does that make me Hitler?

My reckoning is this…husband has disappointed me so much in life and is used to making mistakes so Ashley and he have an empathy that I don’t.

I am wrong aren’t I?

I make loads of mistakes and I talk about them and discuss where and why I went wrong. I am sure I disappoint loads of people but I cant do everything right every time and I explained this to Ashley. I am not always disappointed in her, I am allowed to be either annoyed or shocked at something she did, but I will always stand by her.

I think somewhere along the line I have damaged her and I feel bad.

Am sitting in Leeds chatting on the phone to my daughter Ashley, she was still in Glasgow and it was late afternoon on Saturday. She then told me that Glasgow had just had a terrorist attack. Two Asian men had rammed a Cherokee Jeep into the front of Glasgow Airport. This was on the same day as two car bomb attacks had failed to ignite in London.

I immediately switched on the BBC news channel.

The engine had exploded on impact, and then they ran out and started to throw petrol onto the flames.

What they really under estimated was Glasgow’s fierce winds; the fucking petrol and flames blew back and set fire to their heads. Then the police and Scottish bystanders ran around the place looking for the terrorists…erm…excuse me I think you will find that the two people with their hair on fire, screaming Allah may be the people you are looking for!

What amazed me and made me laugh my ass off was the Scottish stoic attitude to the first Al Qaeda attack on our soil.

Glaswegians were all over the BBC news talking calmly about the scary event. For instance, when the BBC reporter asked what had happened the wee old man actually said live on the worlds news.

“Well, two P.P...(Almost saying the word Paki which is horribly offensive) Asian fellows came running towards me, their hair was on fire, I fought in the war son, so I kicked one of them to the ground and the rain never stopped once, I cannae believe this rain in June can you? I suppose that’s my flight to Magaluf fucked then eh? ”

I sat in Leeds and pissed myself laughing, you see Glaswegian people don’t understand Muslim terrorists, they keep asking “Are they Catholic or Protestant Muslims?” We only understand sectarianism, after years of IRA and UDA fighting all over the UK, we really have only got our heads around that!

We just cannot believe it has happened as we just don’t understand it at all especially as all the events of terror that day had failed. I think they may be the Provisional Al Qaeda; these people aren’t very good at their job. Also it is the first time the apparent fundamentalists haven’t attempted suicide in their attacks. So it’s all very odd and hap hazard to be honest.

The other strange and funny thing is the UK police are calling the police investigation ‘Operation Cobra’ which is so fucking funny as ‘Cobra’ is a famous Asian/Indian Beer here in the UK. It’s like saying we will call our operation after a beer that you guys make but shouldn’t be allowed to drink if you are true to your religion!

I am not scared anymore, I am Scottish and more worried that some drug addled fuck wit will rob me of my purse.