We were passing a field the other day and there was a goat sucking on a sheep’s teats, well I hope that’s what it was doing, I hope I never witnessed sheep rape, I am not sure if it was a female sheep-anyway the sheep was trying to get away and goat was really insistent. Yuk.

Whilst on that theme of wild life and sex, my daughter once had to sit exams in her old school church and in the middle of the exam a pigeon starting screaming around the rafters as a male pigeon tried to pin it down for sex!
There were feathers and dust flying all around the place and my daughter complained that she couldn’t concentrate on her maths exam as pigeon rape took place!

I am sure many people here recall back in their childhood seeing two dogs stuck together at the ass and women would come out and throw buckets of water over them. I used to think it was like the ‘pushmi-pullyu’Llama from the Doctor Doolittle stories.

I think I am all out of animal sex stories for now.

I had to go on the phone for nearly an hour tonight talking with a journalist as Ashley and I are featured in the Sunday Times Ecosse section next Sunday; it’s about mothers and their daughters. I hope I came across ok.

Glasgow was hot today, well not to start with, we had hail stones as big as pebbles then the sun came out.

Four seasons in one day!

Husband, Ashley and I went out to Balmaha beach on Loch Lomond. It is very nice but there are too many dogs running around shitting everywhere, despite a ‘dogs on leads only’ notice up in the car park.

The stony beach overlooks the east side of Loch Lomond and it can be a peaceful place at times, but not today.
I was surprised to see many young girls as old as eight, nine or ten running around naked as their parents sat and watched them play on the busy shore. I kept averting my eyes incase I looked like a pervert that likes watching naked females play in the surf.

I am not being stuffy here but how hard is it to cover up little girls developing bodies?

I wish we lived in a society that has no inhibitions about naked kids….but fucksake dear parents shoot yourself in the face, people have camera phones and access to the internet and we all know the consequences of that equation.

Only recently we have had to deal with the barrage of publicity of that wee McCann girl being abducted from her holiday villa, people snatch kids and usually girls.

Well at least the naked girl’s parents were sitting close and not dining out of reach of their kids like the McCann family, who I think need a good kick in the bollocks for leaving their three small kids unattended.

Anyway lest I rant about the negligent McCann family, I did have a decent day at the beach.

We stopped at the Carbeth Inn on the way home and Ashley remarked about the sheer amount of fat baldy bikers and asked “I wonder what the ratio of hair loss to bikers is?” and that made me laugh.

Life is ok; we are all waiting patiently on our move to Edinburgh in August for the Fringe 2007. I am gathering amazing guests for my chat show and my new comedy show ‘Tell It Like It Is’ is all good to go.

Do come along if you are in the area, would be nice to see you all!

Yes I am becoming obsessed with this subject matter. I woke up this morning and panicked as I realised I am nearly 50…well I am 46 and that’s fucking close enough.
I recall the 80s like it was yesterday, I can tell you what I wore, who I voted, how I felt and what music I liked and that was 25 years ago!
It felt last month not decades ago!

I can’t believe I am this age, I have only one marker or example to go by and that’s my mammy and she was murdered at 47. She was really old at my age. She was wrinkly, had no teeth, cared nothing about what she wore and had absolutely no ambition, she accepted her child bearing days were done and that she was just a granny with no future!

I think my life is just beginning now that my daughter is an adult, I can travel more, I can explore my own ambitions and I can start to be me again after the hiatus of motherhood. Well that’s the plan!

Talking of travel I am just back from London having done my first Edinburgh preview show at the Arts Depot in North London. I decided to stay at the Groucho club overnight as it was nice and central. The place is awesome and I love the Groucho, but at 5.30am I was sharply awoken by the noise of hundreds of bottles being smashed in the backyards of Soho as the recycling truck came round. The noise was ear shattering! I could not believe anyone or anything could make that much noise so early! Fuck the planet and let me sleep!

So here I am back in Glasgow and its Saturday. I have woken up scared I am nearly 50 and scared I will be too old too quick. I want my life back to live all over again and this time I promise, I won’t get married too young, I won’t spend 15 years in a shitty bar and I will make sure I find a way to go to America and screw Brad Pitt!

My bed is directly beneath my window in our bedroom and we always have the window tilted open. This morning I woke up with screaming and screeching in my ear, I leapt to the floor and ran to the door when husband shouted “Its ok it’s a gull outside, not Ashley”
I fell on the bed in a state of fear, in my sleepiness I thought it was my daughter screaming from her room. So gulls must die.

Like I need more noisy things to frighten me on my sleep? No.

I am still getting everything organised for the Edinburgh fringe. Tomorrow I go to London to do my first preview of the show ‘Tell It Like It Is’ which will run throughout the fringe at the Pleasance venue and I will be doing a chat show at the Green Room also.

Two shows a day is good, it keeps me busy and makes me work hard which I love to bits.
Ashley is doing a play called the Guid Sisters and it will be awesome to see her onstage, I can’t wait, she is such a good actress.
Husband isn’t looking forward to any of it, he isn’t into the Fringe the way we are.

I on the other hand love it, three weeks of performing nightly is so up my street like you cannot believe!

Yesterday I went over to see Shaun, my wee nephew and he is now ten years old. He is getting tall and funny, he asked me if he could come over to my house for the night, but I had to tell him that Ashley has her period and may claw him like a tiger as she is very grumpy today…this confused a wee ten year old boy, so its just as well he is getting sex education at school soon as he lives with three females and he better get up to speed soon.
I said to him “One day the word ‘ovulating’ is going to mean so much to you”
He didn’t understand but he will…one day…
Poor wee man.

I am sure he will catch on soon enough and learn to build a safety bunker in the basement with food supplies and drinking water so he can avoid the rampaging hormonal Amazonian Scottish women that roam is house whilst ovulating.]

Meanwhile I am going to make Ashley a hot water bottle…maybe it was her screams I heard this morning?

I have been having the strangest dreams lately. One took me back in time to 1974. I saw myself in a mirror in the dream and I recognised myself as a teenager back I in those days…it was really odd.

I forgot how small and curly haired I looked. The strange thing was, I was 46 inside my head and aghast at being transported back in time. The other surreal thing was people were using mobile phones in 1974 in my dream and I was cross at this obvious mistake. It was wrong and it really annoyed me, I went around telling my childhood friends in the dream that ‘Mobile phones weren’t invented in the early 70s’ and they all laughed in my face.

There were two small boys in the dream whose father was about to take them to a custody hearing and it was really stressful for them. For some reason I tried to console them and eventually came up with the bright idea to take them with me and we would all run away together.

So we started running and running and my legs felt like the wind and we all ran past this shallow pond and I looked into the pond and saw what I thought was a dead baby but actually was a doll floating in the water. I recall thinking at the time in the dream…‘That’s odd I thought that would be a dead baby as I normally see dead people in my dreams!’

Anyway I kept running and I knew the people were chasing us to bring back the two custody kids and when I turned to see how they were managing in the race I noticed they had given up and let themselves be caught.

I was so angry that they had given up so I started shouting “Run, just keep running don’t let them catch you” and that’s when my husband woke me up. He told me I was thrashing about and screaming “Run!”

My head was all foggy after that and I realised I had only been asleep for twenty minutes nap in the early afternoon. I had to get up and get ready to go host a comedy show at Edinburgh Jongleurs.
All night my head was thick and fucked up and I thought I would have a bad show, but it turned out to be alright. I had a great time onstage.

Life is weird and my dreams are odd…but I thought I would tell a surreal dream today.